Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Botteghina Caffe' Pitti

 Piazza de' Pitti, 10

50125 Firenze FI

+39 552 143 23


Website


by Beau Cadiyo


Growing up, the Freemasons were never a really big part of my life. I remember that they had a hall off of I-8 in El Cajon, and they occasionally hosted functions there for schools - debate tournaments, Saturday-morning pancake breakfast fundraisers, that sort of thing. They also had a complex in Mission Valley for the "Scottish Rite," which hosted really big events in a giant, 1950s building just off the freeway. I can confidently say that I never knew anything about them whatsoever, positive or negative, growing up.  


Then, in my senior year of college, two things brought them to my attention. First, I visited the Paramour, and the owner explained to me that it was built by a group of "operative and speculative Freemasons" who not only knew how to build huge buildings out of stone that would last through the ages, but also knew the philosophy of space, how to make a room truly beautiful, how buildings could resonate with the soul in ways that we could not fully comprehend with our senses. Then, later in the year, I was sitting in the college dining hall when one of my classmates, Kendra, came up to me and handed me a flier. Had I heard about the cancerous influence that Freemasons had on the world? The way they were infiltrating every branch of every government to further their nefarious designs? How they controlled the international economy, to the point that ordinary people who were not part of their "fraternity" could never get a fair shake? I had not, and I kept my admiration for their physical handiwork to myself; also, the general negative feelings I had for Kendra, and my low level of respect for her intellect, led me to think that if she was against them, then I would probably be for them.


Maybe six months later, I was getting on a bus in Portland, Oregon, and an old man was struggling to get up the steps. I helped him, and after I sat down, he came over and asked if he could sit next to me. We started talking, and I noticed his ring; I asked about it, and he asked if I had ever heard of the Freemasons. I had!?!  Well, gosh, if I was ever interested in joining, I should call him; he gave me his name and phone number, and after I got home that night, I did what he probably didn't expect me to do: I called. He suggested that we meet some evening at his Lodge; he would get more information for me in the meantime. I waited a few days, and called again, but he didn't answer. I probably called two or three more times before the number was cut off.  I always assumed he had died in those few days after I had met him, and with his death that particular door closed.  


September 11 happened, and I got a girlfriend.  Sick of Portland, I moved back down to San Diego and, shortly after, my friend James got in touch. He had graduated in 1998, moved to New York, made a fortune in the stock market in just a few months, and had "retired" to Los Angeles, where he was living the high life, swing dancing at the Roxy, drinking highballs, and dating a string of aspiring starlets and models.  He had something to ask me, something important: had I ever heard of the Freemasons? I had!?!  He was thinking of joining, and wanted my take on the whole thing. I told him that I was interested, too, and we agreed to join our local lodges and compare experiences.


I was living in Pacific Beach at the time, and contacted the Mission Bay Lodge, which turned out to be just around the corner from me. A man named Dick returned my call, and was very friendly; I went down to meet him, and everything seemed great. The only catch: to join, I needed to have been a resident of California for the full preceding year, and I had only just moved back down - the fact that I had grown up there, and never gave up my Californian driver's license, didn't matter in the slightest. I waited my year and got back in touch with them; soon I was waiting in rolled-up pajamas and a rope outside of a heavy wooden door to be initiated, passed, and then raised as a Master Mason. 


It turned out that I was the last Mason that Mission Bay Lodge ever made.  Maybe a month after I became a full member of the lodge, they announced that they were closing. Despite my eager, wide-eyed participation, their membership numbers were falling too fast - I was the youngest member by at least fifty years, and they could muster about eight people for a meeting, tops.  With an average age of 78, our lodge was literally dying out.  It was the same in lodges across the country and around the world; member lists were shrinking and, faced with rising costs and lower revenues, lodges felt forced to "merge" with other lodges to reduce costs and overhead and fill meetings. I was soon a member of the new Old Glory #798 lodge; instead of meeting in Mission Bay, we sold the building and rented a room in the giant Mission Valley Scottish Rite center.  


I was still the youngest member of this new lodge by decades, but that didn’t dim my ardor.  I joined the Scottish Rite, which, in an effort to boost membership numbers, had reduced the core curriculum down to seven lectures; after a single day of classes, I received the "thirty-second degree" as well as the most secret word. I joined the Shriners, which gave me a fez and let me drive around in parades in a tiny car. I started working my way up the lodge ranks. Life took me to Barcelona; I got to participate in Catalan lodges, where, with my thirty-second degree, I was the most senior Freemason in Catalunya, if not all of Spain.  The lodges there had only really started operating after Franco died, and, in the old style, each degree took a minimum of one year to obtain; the highest-ranking Mason in our building was maybe on his twenty-third degree. I still remember showing my visiting card to the secretary of the lodge, who had been a Freemason before I was born and who had been trying to work his way up the ranks ever since and who I outranked by a dozen degrees.  He looked at my face, then the card, and dropped it on the table, muttering "puta madre" before suggesting I sit in an honored seat for the meeting, and be offered the gavel to show them how to run a meeting (which I declined).


Once I got back to the States, and moved to Ohio, my membership in Old Glory came under strain. The secretary of the lodge started sending out racist emails from the lodge email account, complaining about the number of Mexicans in San Diego. I wrote in protest to the leadership, but was told that, as the Secretary had the right to use the email system, and these were his own opinions, and they didn't want to get involved with politics, nothing would be done. I immediately resigned my membership, and approached a couple of lodges in Cleveland to join them instead. One had a young leadership, was alternative and progressive, and was eager to have me join them, while one was much more mature, very conservative, and would deign to have me as a member. In retrospect, I am ashamed to have thought of my career in joining a lodge, but that was what the deciding factor was - the conservative lodge would benefit my life as a lawyer the most, so I applied.


I was a member there for two years. In my third year of law school, they had an event at the Cleveland Schvitz, a men-only Jewish sauna.  They did this two or three times a year; everyone would sit in the steam rooms, take cold plunges, and drink whisky and eat steak and potatoes together in order to promote fraternity and brotherly love.  The whole thing was subsidized by lodge dues.


The lodge used the Schvitz to push for "new members", and we were encouraged to invite men who we thought would be good brethren. I instantly thought of someone to bring: my friend Jason. He had grown up in a single-mother household in Akron, beat the odds to graduate from college, and then went to law school; he was an excellent student, got an offer at a huge firm, and was on the path to immense legal success. He was also interested in the fraternity. 


Oh - and he was black.  


At the end of the otherwise pleasant evening, Jason went to get his jacket, and one of the older lodge members, who had been in the leadership for years and was a prominent doctor in Cleveland, came over and put his hand on my shoulder. "Just to let you know, this is a private club," he said quietly in my ear, "and we don't let people like your friend in." His tone said it all. Revolted, I got up, got my things, and we left. I submitted my resignation from the lodge, which was quietly accepted; none of the brethren were about to rock the boat on this issue but me.  


It seemed that my involvement with Freemasonry had ended, but perhaps three weeks later, I got an email from a guy named Tom, who owned a few donut shops in Cleveland and was a member of a lodge named Halcyon. He and his brothers had somehow heard of my experience at the Schvitz, and they wanted to know: would I be interested in joining a lodge that rejected all of the things I found so abhorrent, and was dedicated to actually embracing people across all lines and boundaries? I went to meet him at one of his donut shops, which was just down the street from my house, and was intrigued: they had a massive lodge building in Ohio City, they existed as the American arm of the Grand Orient de France, and were planning to make Freemasonry a relevant fraternity once again.  


I went to see the lodge, and was blown away. It was a massive stone building that reminded me of what the Paramour would have looked like if it had been an event space instead of a mansion. There were wide stone staircases, immense marble columns, and ornate rooms throughout; the chairs were either velvet or leather, the presentation cases were filled with scrolls and silver, and the paintings all bore the names and likenesses of the industrialists who vied with Rockefeller for preeminence and wealth and whose names had been scattered on buildings and streets across the city.  


So I joined. They gave me keys to the building and told me to use it whenever I wanted, and an old apron from the 1940s, and got me in the leadership line; soon, they asked me if I wanted to be Master of the Lodge, as Tom and the others were busy building out the national organization, and couldn't be bothered with the details of running meetings.  Soon, I had convinced two of my friends, Carl and Orson, to join the lodge as well; they were rapidly promoted to be secretary (Carl) and treasurer (Orson).  Importantly for later, without planning it, the main administrative roles of the lodge were all being performed by me and my friends.  


Writing this all down now, I have to wonder: was I naive?  Was I a sucker?  I look back at the conversations we had, at their behavior and actions, and think: no.  I think they were really planning on doing something big with Freemasonry, but I fucked it all up for them.  


The problem was women. The Grand Orient de France had decided that even if women had historically been excluded from Freemasonry, this was absurd, illogical, and outdated.  As a consequence, they ruled that women should henceforth be admitted to all Grand Orient lodges everywhere, provided that the lodges agreed, and changed their charters to allow it. To me, this was wonderful; I never liked the exclusion, and, as with Jason earlier, I had another perfect, willing candidate.  


Her name was Jessica, and I remember the very first time I met her, in the spring of 2009. I was also heavily involved in a law school fraternity, which was open to both men and women; I decided to host an event at the Lodge for alumni, and Jessica showed up early, before I had a chance to get the drinks out of my car.  She immediately volunteered to help set up, then stayed outside and signed people in - I think she had the genius idea that she could meet everyone first, before they even got in the door.  Either way, she was an amazing help, and we got to talking. We had gone to law school together, but she was a year behind me; again, like Jason, she was an Ohio native, had gotten very good grades, and was going to join a huge firm downtown. After the event, we stayed in touch.


Once the Grand Orient had issued their proclamation about letting women in, I quietly started canvassing the members to propose that we, as a lodge, take advantage of this new French liberality to change our own charter to allow women in.  Outside of my friends, the response was an almost violent “non.”  Each long-standing member I spoke with told me that individually, they had no issue with the idea, but "we have to think of what this would do to the brethren."  Over and over, this was the response I got: in order to admit women, we would need to have a vote to change our charter, and if we called for a vote, we would lose for some vague, unspecified, prejudiced reason.  


So I looked at our charter, and found something interesting.  Generally, a lodge needed to have seven Master Masons as members in order to exist.  However, this new French branch of Masonry was very new in America, so in an effort to grow the fraternity in places where they couldn't get seven Master Masons together, the charter said that the Master of any full lodge could create a "Triangle," or a starter subsidiary lodge, that only needed three members.  Triangles only needed to have one Master Mason and two lower-degree Masons in order to operate, so the standards were lower.  To promote flexibility, triangles operated under independent charters, which the parent lodge did not have any say over; thus, even if a parent lodge did not want to admit women, a subsidiary Triangle could admit women under its own charter.  Any newly-admitted member in a triangle would automatically become full members of the parent lodge; thus, any woman a Triangle admitted would be a full member of the parent lodge.  To reduce bureaucratic red tape, lodges did not vote on setting up triangles; the Master of the Lodge had full authority to create a triangle, and they were not only allowed to set up Triangles - they were actively encouraged to do so.  


And the Master of the most important Lodge in the system who was vested with the power to create these new Triangles was...me.  


We read the writing on the wall; the lodge would never agree to allow women. Seeing this, Carl, Orson and I created a Triangle to do it instead, with Jessica's full involvement.  


The furor was immediate.  I remember standing outside a West Side warehouse in the middle of a Cleveland "lake effect" blizzard on a Saturday in December 2010, talking on my flip phone to Joel, one of our central opponents; realizing the purpose of the triangle, he and everyone else apparently thought that creating the triangle was a violation of the lodge constitution.  I asked him to explain, and said I would gladly rescind what I had done if he could explain what was done incorrectly; he dodged, prevaricated, shouted, but finally had to admit that they had written up a charter that actively encouraged me to do exactly what I had done, and they had nobody but themselves to blame if they didn't like the result.  He ran an investment company, and was not a lawyer; I explained that if he wanted my advice on stopping me, I would be happy to help, but for the time being, I was going to continue on my merry way until they could convince the Master of the Lodge - a notorious asshole, as I was sure he would agree - to hold a vote to change the rules they themselves had written for setting up Triangles.  


Click.  


So we had our Triangle, and this Triangle had three members, and its own independent rules that expressly allowed it to admit women.  One of the duties of a Triangle was to initiate any new brothers who met the Triangle's charter of membership requirements. Let me amend that - brothers or sisters. And so it was late on a Saturday, in a grand hall with an old organ and massive chairs, that Carl, Orson and I donned our regalia and initiated Jessica into our hallowed fraternity as its first-ever female Mason.


Joel and Tom and the others never found out about this.  They DID continue to challenge the existence of the Triangle; we received emails and calls throughout the holidays and into early 2011 trying to convince us to close down the Triangle and submit to their authority.  One thing that we realized was that they were keeping this a secret from the other lodges.  With lodges in New York, Washington, DC, Los Angeles, Chicago, and many other cities, if word got out that the main lodge, the central star in their galaxy, was going rogue, was completely out of their control, then there could be trouble.  What trouble?  I suppose other lodges might try to admit women, or set up Triangles of their own to do so, which they didn’t want, so they seemed to try everything to convince us to shut down while also not making a big fuss over it. It got so bad, and sentiments between our group and theirs became so toxic, that eventually we collectively decided that we needed to get out.  The thing was, we didn’t want to leave without exposing their actions to the wider group.  To do so, however, would risk getting into a very dirty fight, which was not at all what we wanted.  


Until this point, I had never understood a peculiarity of Parliamentary democracies: abstention as a form of protest.  I always heard of parliaments where the Prime Minister was not playing fair so the minority or opposition parties would just abstain from an election - as if not participating somehow increased their power over the matter.  But one day, we were thinking over how we could fight back.  Maybe one of us saw one of the myriad elections that were happening in 2011, and we all realized what we needed to do.  


Secretary Carl was the officer responsible for all official internal and external lodge communications.  Early in the afternoon on a Friday - chosen because we could be out of touch, and none of our opponents would be able to or expected to reach us, and it would totally ruin their weekends as they schemed and plotted - he sent out three short emails to everyone in our lodge, the Masters and Officers of all of the other lodges, and the officers of the Grand Orient de France.  


The first said that Beau, Master of the Cleveland lodge, was resigning, effective immediately, and would not be available for comment.  


The second said that the Orson, Treasurer of the Cleveland lodge, was resigning, effective immediately, and would not be available for comment.   


The third said that Carl, the Secretary of the Cleveland lodge was resigning, effective immediately, and would not be available for comment. 


Nobody - not our antagonists, our allies, or the Grand Orient de France, could reach us to find out what was happening, but oh, how they tried.  The calls came through to my cell phone and work line; our inboxes were inundated, our facebook messages were flooded with one question: “WTF?”  We maintained strict radio silence.  In place of our story, everyone involved in France and America had to ask questions and form theories and rely on the most beautiful of weapons: rumors.  


We had it on good authority that the leader of our opposition, Jeff, was forced to fly to Paris to explain what was happening with his beautiful Mother Lodge.  Why did these three officers, who had been touted as the future of the fraternity, resign?  He...couldn't tell them.  Well, he couldn't without making his side look terrible. So, like Joel, he apparently dodged and hedged and prevaricated. Faced with his evasiveness, and clear lack of control, and fearing some sort of financial misappropriation, the Grand Orient then looked through the accounting books.  Meanwhile, other lodges got wind of what was happening and started resigning en-masse, BCCing us on their communications with Jeff. After a few months, we saw an announcement that the Grand Orient of France was revoking the charters of all of the lodges in America, and would no longer affiliate with any of them.  The French experiment with Freemasonry in America was over, and with it, the Grand Orient of the United States of America.  


In other words, we had accomplished what many people throughout history - Hitler, the Catholic Church, and Kendra of the Dining Hall - had wanted to do, but could not: we destroyed an international Masonic organization.  


All over Jessica, and the opportunity to let women in.  

She was worth it.


We washed our hands of the Masons, but not of each other. All of us continued to become better and better friends; we met weekly, at least, supporting each other emotionally and socially and professionally. And, twelve years later, Jessica came out to Italy to spend her vacation time with us in Florence.


On the penultimate day of her visit, we ate at Botteghina Caffe Pitti, recommended to us by her husband, an outstanding chef and mindful eater.  The porchetta sandwiches were absolutely outstanding - the bread was fresh, the porchetta perfectly cooked and the truffle spread was divine.  We had porchetta sandwiches in other places - in the central market, where the rind was still as tough and chewy as a rubber band, and at the famed I Fratellini, where the pork was over-salted and the bread was so dry it was almost a crouton. Here, the overall balance and contrast between the ingredients, as well as the sheer quality, was a revelation; as her husband said, this may be the single best sandwich I have ever eaten.


I was glad to be able to see her again, and grateful for the opportunity to catch up on each others’ lives, but the most amazing thing was that she got to meet my children - she has meant so much to me over the years, and I have so much respect for her, that I want them to know her, too.  But I am now faced with a challenge: when my kids are old enough to really know her, how can I tell them about the role she played in my life, and of what we did?  How do I communicate to them one of my proudest moments, one of the times I stood up against prejudice and fear and hate and did something big?  How do we learn about our parents' friends, about what they mean to us, and why? Because right now, our friends are just a string of adults occasionally interfering in their days, sometimes buying them presents, telling them jokes, acting oddly and making us act differently. How do we ensure, when they are older, that they know these stories, and that they have the same sort of respect for our friends that we do?


I’m not sure I will ever know the answers. But if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears. At least we will always have the porchetta.

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Bread Meats Bread

7-9 North Bridge

Edinburgh, EH1 1SB

by Beau Cadiyo

A friend of mine from high school recently got in touch with me to say that he sometimes checked this blog to see if it was still active, but that it seems to have "gone dark."  

I'm not saying he is a racist, but I am not sure how to finish this sentence.  

The nerve!  I admit, I have taken a very small break from writing here.  I could blame life - an international move, career changes, an expanding family of children beautiful enough to represent various international clothing lines but not so perfect that when they walk down the street they catch the attention of pilots flying at 30,000 feet and cause airplanes to fall from the sky.  But actually, the slowdown happened a long, long time before all of those things came to be.  To wit: ten years ago, I took a job with NPR.  Yes, the very same NPR that all of you liberals love.  On my first day, my boss sat me down and told me that I would have to stop blogging, as I was so opinionated and blunt in my reviews of sandwiches that people would think I was potentially biased, and it was the role of NPR to not be biased.  I, as a presenter, had to be a blank slate, without any interesting facets or personally-held opinions.  

As my maternal grandfather would have said: is this justice?  And why would a state-funded media outlet demand objectivity from its paid mouths?  

But I was young, and needed the money.  Five years of blogging momentum halted almost instantly; my ideas and opinions were shelved, suppressed, held in.  I mean, in 2010, I took a month off and still wrote 71 posts - and then, it went downhill.  

But, like Saddam Hussein, "I can change!"  A decade of no food reviews has left me hungry.  Plus, I run the number one food blog in Ohio.  Or, at least, I used to be number one, and used to be in Ohio.  

So, Mr. Frank Bart Chandler, you are no racist, or, at least, I don't think you are.  I don't know you now - the last time we spoke was in maybe 2000, and life has intervened.  It is interesting to think that our paths have diverged so radically since we grew up together.  I still have a memory of you in the back of a minivan with Francis Kuhwald, maybe coming back from a retreat in eastern San Diego county, and you were listening to The Breeders on a Walkman, both of you singing something - "last splash."  I remember having never heard the song you both loved so much, and being so jealous of you at the time for being able to listen to that song at will, and feeling left out.  Last year, I was playing something for my son - maybe Rage Against The Machine, which also makes me think of you and your mom, when she pulled your CD out of the player and smashed it because of the lyrics "fuck you I won't do what you tell me," when really, maybe it was everything else going on in her life, and I just want to give you both hugs, or maybe I was playing him the Mighty Mighty Bosstones - but then a song came on, and I asked Alexa what it was, and she said it was The Breeders, and I had a flash of such a strong memory, and I thought: "Huh.  I was jealous of them listening to this?"  

And as much as I hate to admit it, this blog has gone dark.  Black.  Noir.  

No longer.  

I do not know what it will turn into.  I DO know that I want to write more, and am committing to writing 52 posts this year, and to discuss my most deeply felt opinions about sandwiches, to delve deeply into nuances of flavor and texture and experience.  I want to get back into the sandwich game.  

Get back into?  Fuck that.  This is so old that it is being written on Blogger.  I fucking started this game.  

I'm back.  

And the Cali Burger at Bread Meats Bread conflicts me.  On the one hand, it is a superior imitation to an In-N-Out burger - at least, I have to assume that they were trying to copy it, and ended up surpassing it.  On the other, I still hate it when people call California "Cali" - it is still the easiest way to tell if the person is not actually from California.  But something about Britain inspires people to put on masks and costumes and act as if they were American.  Walking down the street, one is guaranteed to see a few things: 

  1. A NASA hat, jacket, or t-shirt.  British people are obsessed with NASA.  
  2. A Yankees hat, and probably something related to the Patriots - a shirt, hat, jersey.  They are also obsessed with teams named after a group of people who beat them in a war.  
  3. Something advertising a real US college or university that they have never visited, much less attended.  UCLA, Harvard and Yale are the most popular - there is a store, NEXT, that sells tons of college merchandise from these three places.  I have no idea what the Brits think they are signalling by wearing this, but clearly they want to be American college students.  
  4. Something from a fake US sports organization.  My favorite was the "Mid-Pacific American Baseball Champions Sacramento 1977" shirt a woman was wearing at a bus stop, but there are tons of made-up leagues and events that people wear on their shirts that often don't even make any sense.  
(The good thing is that if you see someone in something from, say, SDSU, or Villanova, or for the Cleveland Cavaliers, it is safe to assume that they are either American or actually know something about the team they are pushing, and it is safe to walk up to them and strike up a conversation.)

So the Brits, actually, just want to look as if they are American.  The Americans, meanwhile, either wear Columbia or REI jackets (everyone here wears North Face or Patagonia - brands that Americans used to have a monopoly on, and used to be a guaranteed signal of tourists, but no longer) or something with a Canadian team on it to act as if they are not American, without realizing that looking less like an actual American and more like a pretend American will make them look British.  

Sigh.  It reminds me, often, of when Stephen Colbert interviewed my former Congresswoman Marcia Fudge and asked her what it was about Ohio that made people want to leave earth.  Maybe we all just want to escape the shame of being ourselves, and we will do what we can to show others we are whatever we are not, so long as it is not us.  

Regardless, friends, Beau Cadiyo is back.  Salve.  

Monday, December 14, 2020

Embo

29 Haddington Place

Edinburgh EH7 4AG

by Beau Cadiyo

Proposed new rule: if a person in a discussion says "just think about it" and follows that up with an argument, they automatically lose credibility and should be taken less seriously.  For example: 

"Just think about it - the reason Trump lost is because Biden had better pollsters."  

"Just think about it - if we don't go into this market, the competition will capitalise on our delay and seize the initiative and we will fail."  

"Just think about it - if we don't go on a date, you will never find true love."  

The only reasons to say "just think about it" in the context of an argument are: 

  1. The argument is about the future, so it is inherently speculative; 
  2. The argument is an attempt to explain something in the past, but is actually an opinion they want to present as a fact for which they have no data.  

Either way, the person saying "just think about it" is attempting to draw causation where the evidence is lacking, and is trying to cover up for that fact by distracting their audience with a plausible logical conclusion.  

Whenever I hear someone say "just think about it..." I tune out.  I automatically assume they are either incompetent or they are being intellectually dishonest with me.  Then I think about it whatever I like.  This is the path I recommend to you, my friend.  

The bacon rolls at Embo are excellent, but what is even better is the service - friendly, cheerful, and kind.  They greeted me so warmly on a cold Saturday morning that I felt as if I was a regular; the double, priced at £3, is a bargain for this strip of shops, and, with the smiles, well worth at least a visit; I think I may become a regular there soon.  

Friday, November 13, 2020

Hungry Wolf

16 Iona Street

Edinburgh EH6 8SF

by Beau Cadiyo

If Republicans are the party of idiots, Democrats are the party of the gullible.  

If they weren't the party of the gullible, they would see what should be blatantly obvious to everyone watching American politics from abroad right now: Donald Trump is doing what he has done so many times before by accusing his opponents of doing in secret what he himself is doing in plain sight.  Whether he is breaking tax laws, sexually assaulting women, pandering to foreign despots against America's interests, or trying to steal an election, he is pointing an accusatory finger with his right hand while his left commits a crime.  Whoever he is accusing professes innocence, and is so busy defending themselves that they don't think to attack back.  Meanwhile, Trump gets away with whatever he wants.  Nothing has changed on his part and, sadly, the Democrats show every sign of being taken by it again.  

Biden is the perfect victim.  He is nice.  He wants to give everyone a hug and a pat on the back.  He wants to forgive the people who want him dead.  He is, in other words, weak; he is an Omega dog, rolling on his back.  He is nothing to fear.  

As George W. Bush once said, "Fool me twice, shame on you."  

Trump is, I hate to say, actually smart here.  He is reading the situation correctly.  He knows that the rules are there for the suckers, for the ignorant, and for him, the rules are made to be broken.  He is stacking the necessary government officials in a way that might actually allow him to stay in power illegitimately.  For his legion of faults, he knows how to play the amoral and immoral game of power at a professional level; for all their years in Washington, Biden et al are mere apprentices here.  

If they weren't apprentices, they - and every other freedom-loving American, and perhaps world citizen, would be going full Machiavelli on Trump and his goons.  They would be organizing shifts of volunteers who would videotape everyone going in and out of any Trump property, and the White House, the same way Trump supporters harassed voters.  They would block roads in Washington and near the Trump golf courses; they would storm the greens and fill the fairways with holes, making them unusable.  Heck, these freedom fighters would be following Trump's lackeys home and setting up surveillance on them from the street.  They would track Trump's simpering gimps and follow their children to school.  They would blast music at the White House, Noriega-style, day and night.  They would shut down the ability of Trump's organization to function by destroying his minions' basic human sense of security, attacking their hierarchy of needs.  

And they would investigate the claims that the Russians hacked the vote in Ohio, and the Chinese hacked the vote in Texas, that the Florida vote was also supplemented by undocumented Cubans who boated over in late October to stuff ballots and then boated back.  There are videotapes of this happening on YouTube.  Look it up, sheeple.  

The Democrats would seize the initiative.  

But then again, I am just a simple sandwich blogger.  What do I know about complex political manoeuvring?  I am probably misreading the situation, and the transfer of power in America will go off without a hitch and without any need to, say, battle over control of the military on January 21 because two people are claiming to be Commander in Chief and trying to get the military to take out their opponent.  

Speaking about taking out one's opponent, I have one final fantasy.  William Consovoy, one of Trump's attorneys, once argued that Trump could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and get away with it.  If Biden was to get into office, I have this recurring dream that he would ask Consovoy and his family to the White House, then have Consovoy repeat his argument.  Then, Biden would give a signal and Consovoy and his family would all be trussed up like Christmas turkeys.  Biden would take a couple of pistols from the Secret Service and ask Consovoy to make his argument one last time, with his family in danger.  

Then, Biden would let them all go, and shake Consovoy's hand as they left.  Because Biden is a good man.  

And the burgers at Hungry Wolf are good, too.  I hope that this place survives the pandemic, because really, everyone should eat here.  

Saturday, August 22, 2020

Tesco Superstore

7 Broughton Rd

Edinburgh EH7 4EW

www.tesco.com 

by Beau Cadiyo

On Thursday, I was researching a potential customer for work.  On their website they bragged that they had locations "All Along I-90."  

"I-90?" I thought.  "Which interstate is that?"  

And Jesus wept.  

I brought up Google Maps to confirm my suspicions, and saw the familiar route laid out from New England to Montana.  I zoomed in and saw Ohio, and zoomed in further and saw Cleveland, and then Dead Man's Curve, and wondered: is there a list somewhere of all of the dead men who have proven that name right?  I saw Historic Asiatown and imagined the first Asian settlers in Cleveland, and what their experiences must have been like - I assume that they were coast-dwelling when they left Asia, and I wondered what they made of the Cleveland winters, and how they made a living on Lake Erie, and if it was a better life than they would have had if they had stayed at home, and what happened to their descendants.  I saw Irishtown Bend, and thought of a lecture I had attended before I moved away where the speaker described the shantytowns that Irish immigrants occupied on the west bank of the Cuyahoga, and how they looked out from their huts toward the millionaires of the East Side.  I wondered if they were ever angry at their lot, if they ever cursed the day they left Ireland, what dramas existed in their communities.  I saw Tremont and its most prominent map pin: the Christmas Story House, and wondered how many children's Christmas dreams were inspired by that Hollywood standard, and how many adults felt a sort of false nostalgia for an ideal that never existed, and then remembered that I had grown up with the little sister of Zach Ward, the actor who played the bully, and how the one time I had hung out with him as an adult it was also with his wife, who was pregnant, and his best friend, and how later it turned out that his wife was having an affair with his best friend, and how angry I was about that when I had heard, because in reality, he was about the nicest guy you could imagine.  

And then, in a rush, there were the specific memories of being on I-90.  There was the surprise trip I took to Chicago, in the middle of winter, when there was a sudden cold snap and it was -10º and there were snow drifts blowing across the lanes and I realized that the girl who was driving could not talk about anything other than running and herself, so I challenged her to say something that did not involve either subject, and she failed.  All weekend, she failed.  There was one particular early morning drive to get breakfast with Mike, Meredith, and Ted at the West Side Market cafe, driving West with the sun in my rear-view mirror, and I passed the sign for Brahtenahl and realised that I knew nobody in that mystical no-go land for very rich people.  There was the time in February, just before Valentines Day, 2015, when it was 2º outside and I was driving into work and a convertible passed me on the right side, top down, the driver in a tee-shirt and shades, and I thought: "Holy shit - THIS is Cleveland Strong."  And there was January 3, 2014, driving back from Montreal, trying just to get out of the Canadian ice; we had tried to get back a day earlier but the snow had piled up and so we had pulled off into a hotel on the side of the road, frozen and bitter, and I had vowed not to spend another cent until we got to America again, and then when we were finally in Buffalo, we stopped at a diner that turned out to be a mob hangout, and when we got back on I-90 I was overcome with relief, cruising smoothly back home.  

And something seemed off on the map, sort of like in a story where there is an alternate universe and everything is just off enough to make the reader a bit uncomfortable.  I looked closer, zoomed in and out, and realised that, in the five years since I had left, things had changed...a bit.  But that was not quite it.  I felt like I was looking at a map of a place that I had no personal connection to.  I started looking up places I knew; Bac's had closed.  Bonbon has closed.  The Ontario Street Cafe has closed.  

The Ontario Street Cafe?  

When my grandfather died, my sister inherited boxes and boxes of his writings - records of his half-mad ramblings against individuals, entities, the universe.  On one, he had listed wrongs that people had committed against him, real or perceived, and next to each one he had written: "IS THIS JUSTICE?"  When I thought of the nights spent on those plastic benches, with random nurses and shift workers sharing the booth with me and my friends, buying $2 glasses of Black Velvet and sending one to the guy in the lounge suit trying to chat up a girl spilling out of her jeans because he had been cool to me earlier and I wanted to give him some social proof...how the fuck did Cleveland let this happen?  Am I imagining ten halcyon years in that city?  Are all of my memories being erased, slowly and irreversibly, by time and distance and progress?  Is that why the map looks so different?  

Then I realized that it was not the closed restaurants and bars that felt off, but the fact that there were no Google Maps Favorites.  Anywhere.  Zero.  That couldn't be right; I had plenty when I moved away, and I don't think that they just expire, do they?  Then I felt stupid.  I was on my work computer, and it does not have any of my personal favorites saved on Google Maps, so of course no pins showed up.   

But I HAD forgotten I-90, and I realize that I-90 has forgotten me, Cleveland has forgotten me, and that so much of my life has been relegated to the dust bin of history already by moving away, and simply by being alive.  That has been a theme tattooing in my head recently: the complete and utter transience of our memories, and memories of ourselves.  This is particularly piercing now that I have a son and I know that every day he is forming new thoughts and memories himself, and I get to guide him on that path, and at the same time I have memories that he will never know, and my father has memories that I could only guess at: what the inside of his schoolroom in Africa looked like, the smell of his mother's hair after it had been washed, the feel of his medical scrubs when he put them on for the first time, how he felt when he first kissed my mother.  What did his father, my grandfather, think when he became a silk baron in Lyon in the 1920s, after being a German prisoner in World War I, and what did he think as he fled Hong Kong when the Japanese invaded - what did they pack up, what did they leave behind, never to see again?  And what about the other trillions of memories that are being made daily - do we accept that they will be forgotten one day, totally erased, as if they had never existed?  That fucks me up: not the idea that we will be forgotten, but that our memories will be forgotten, are already being reworked, destroyed, even in our own minds.  Death will come, one day, to me, and I accept that; what is more difficult for me to accept is that my own experiences will vanish.  

And I want to matter to Cleveland the way Cleveland matters to me, because it does matter to me.  To me, it is still the greatest place I have ever lived, the best city with the most beautiful community.  I have so many fond memories there, and...well, I am disappointed in myself that so many of the places I used to go, like the Ontario Street Cafe, won't be there when I return.  And don't bring up Lady Luck Casa Lounge II.  FFS.  I was supposed to return in May for Eric's wedding, and then it was pushed back to October, and...well, America, you aren't handling this pandemic very well.  Dare I visit the week of the election?  I mean, the memories that I would form would be incredible...

Having said all that, one thing I would like to forget is the coronation chicken sandwich from Tesco that gave me food poisoning.  I should have learned my lesson the last time.  

Sunday, July 26, 2020

McDonald's

137, 138 Princes St
Edinburgh EH2 4BL

by Beau Cadiyo

I keep seeing protests in America where people refuse to wear masks because they think that mask laws are a liberal plot to restrict their freedom.

For those who believe that the government is trying to restrict freedom by making them wear masks, they should also remember that the EPA also does not want them to drink gasoline.  If they want to take direct anti-regulatory action to oppose government infringement on their freedom to do whatever they damn well please, even if it has a negative health effect, I suggest that protesting this particular EPA regulation may be beneficial to everyone.  The best way to protest this might be to drink a gallon or so - perhaps while burning plastic and inhaling the fumes.  Oh, and inject some disinfectant while you're at it - remember, the New York Times LIEberals think this is a bad idea.

McDonald's is the same everywhere, but what struck me was the predominance of iceberg lettuce, and how tasteless it is.

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Greggs

Greggs
21 Elm Row
Edinburgh EH7 4AA

by Beau Cadiyo

Three points:


  1. If someone claims to be an "Instagram Influencer," it means that they take photos of their breasts to get attention.  Actually, the title "influencer" for any social media platform seems to be a self-admission that a person doesn't have qualifications or skills, or any reason to have an informed opinion on any subject, but is fully capable of paying to get followers on social media.  
  2. It is time to recognize that this is no longer the Chinese Disease, the Wuhan Virus, the Kung Flu, or any other name that associates it with China.  COVID-19 has now become a completely American Affliction, and other countries are right to treat us with suspicion, deny us entry across their borders, and treat us with a presumption of infection.  
  3. Related to point two: Trump and AMLO are meeting soon.  It would give me a huge amount of pleasure if they made a joint announcement that a brand new wall was being built along the border, and Mexico was paying for it - but that it was being built to keep Americans from sowing death and destruction south of the Rio Grande.  

Greggs is open again in Scotland after months of being shuttered.  I started with surprise when I saw the door ajar, and walked right in for a bacon roll.  It was good, but I have to say, my own home-cured bacon, with free-range scrambled eggs, a morning roll from Crombie's, and a dash of Heinz ketchup, was far better - and more satisfying to make.