SOHO

1889 W 25th Street
Cleveland, OH 44113
(216) 298-9090
http://www.sohocleveland.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

One of my pet peeves is when people talk about an action - smoking, drinking, eating red meat - "increasing" the chances of death.  It makes me want to pull a pre-printed card out of my pocket:

Dear Sir/Madam:

The chances of death for all living beings is 100%.  Nothing can increase or decrease the chance of us someday taking a trip to that undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler returns.  The action or stimulus you just mentioned cannot "increase" the chance of death any more than the opposite action or stimulus would "decrease" it.  I will die.  You will die.  We all will die.  The end.

Sincerely,
Beau Cadiyo
Cleveland Sandwich Board

Death is something we never want to talk about, or think about.  We hate the idea that we are going to die.  So we pretend we're not going to.  We live our lives as if we aren't going to die, as if what we do each and every day does not matter, when, of course, it is vitally, painfully important.  The secretaries in my office, for example, spend a portion of every Monday morning talking about the television they watch.  They spend a portion of every Wednesday talking about how horrible their week has been, or perhaps what the men in their lives are doing.  They spend a portion of every Friday talking about the guys they're going to see that weekend, and the bars they'll visit, and worrying about the weather.  These are the things that occupy their thoughts, their consciousnesses. They wake up thinking about rain and the sun, and go to work thinking about their iPhones or Justin Bieber, and talk about traffic when they are lying in bed with their loved ones.

Television is mindless drivel.  Work is irrelevant.  Worrying about celebrities, or bar scenes, or the weather - is life so small that these are the things we spend our lives thinking about?

What if they recognized that everyone will die, and that we really don't have that much time left?  That everyone alive today will be memories in two hundred years?  That perhaps the race will continue, but that we have no idea, and that it is entirely possible - I'm sorry, it's an inescapable fact - that we don't know when our time will come?  How would you spend your life if you knew that one day you would be dead, but you didn't know when that would be?  Would you continue to live your life vicariously through Rich Kids Of Instagram? Would you spend more time thinking about the Kardashians, or LeBron, or what the next storm will be named?  What if, instead, we all worked hard to do something important?  What if we made smarter decisions on how we focused our mind, and what we paid attention to?  How would that change the world?

The Catfish Po' Boy at SOHO has an exceptional filling, but the bread was somewhat disappointing - a bit overly fluffed, overly prominent.  The chefs do an excellent job with everything else, and the bartenders mix some incredible cocktails; if they just changed the bread a bit, it would be one of the best sandwiches in Cleveland.

Local Tavern

29007 Chardon Rd 

Willoughby Hills, OH 44092

(440) 943-5926

http://www.local-tavern.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

Bite: Support blatant sexism by going to Bal Ingenieux at Halcyon Lodge, and the burgers at the Local Tavern are excellent.  

By now, you probably know what just happened in Wilcox County, Georgia.  If you don't, let me recap:

In 2013, a Georgia high school held its first integrated prom.  

That's right.  White students and black students went to the same prom.  Until this last weekend, all of the proms at the local high school were segregated: white students went to the white prom, black students went to the black prom, and nobody - no, nobody - crossed that line.  

The nation, and really the civilized world, was stunned that this was still happening - that people were not only being treated differently based on race, but that it was being supported, and implicitly condoned, by a school district in America.  How, we asked ourselves, was this still going on?  The simple answer: nobody really questioned it.  The school district "decided" not to hold prom, and the parents were left to their segregationist ways.  Until this year, the community gave this division their full support.  It goes to prove that in order for evil to thrive - or, in this case, bigotry - the only thing that has to happen is for good people to stay silent.  

Here in Cleveland, we know a thing or two about community support of ignorant exclusion, and it's happening this Friday as part of Ingenuity Fest.  

I just finished reading the entirely excellent article on Freemasonry and Ingenuity Fest by Frank Sandy in the Scene. To recap: Ingenuity Fest is holding an event at Halcyon Lodge in Ohio City.  Halcyon, of course, is a Freemason temple, and as a Freemason temple, they don't let women in.  You read that right: Ingenuity Fest is supporting a group that, as part of its core principles, excludes half of the world based on gender.  Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot would all be allowed to apply; Jane Campbell, Mother Theresa and Aung San Suu Kyi would not, just because they don't have penises.  Ignoring their long history of racism, which isn't a focus of this article, it's shocking to me that Ingenuity Fest would support this sort of organization with money and attention, particularly when there are so many other places in Cleveland at which this event could be held without this sort of controversy.  I'm sure that they would never think to hold an event at, say, a KKK hall, or the headquarters of the American Nazi Party, no matter how beautiful the inside might be; to support an organization that symbolizes "No Girls Allowed" is just baffling.  

So it is strange that a progressive organization like Ingenuity Fest would want to put money in their coffers and help them stay solvent. It is exceptionally odd that progressive people in the community would pay to support this sort of sexism.  I mean, didn't anyone think this through?  Didn't anyone question where the money was going, or the basic tenets of this group?  Were they so blinded by the opportunity to see inside this windowless building that they decided to ignore their own principles and shell out the cash to support sexism - in 2013?!?

Apparently not.  Apparently, for far too long, good people in Cleveland have been staying silent.  

I urge you to write Dana at Ingenuity Fest and ask them to stop supporting sexism immediately.  You can copy and paste this message:

Stop holding events at Masonic halls.  It is a disgrace that your otherwise fine institution would support this sort of blatant bigotry in the community, and a stain on our city that these sorts of organizations exist at all.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Meanwhile, the burgers at the Local Tavern are exceptional.  They are tender, juicy, and they're all served with fresh-cut fries.  What's more, they don't keep any group out based on whether you are a man or woman, black or white, gay or straight.  If you have spare progressive dollars to spare, why not spend them at the Local Tavern?  It is certainly a decision you can justify to your grandchildren.  

The Breakfast Bible

Mes amis -

I occasionally have freelanced for the London Review of Breakfasts, an outstanding organization across the pond with a focus on sandwiches.  I'm sorry, on breakfasts.  I have written for them before under the ludicrous nom de plume of T.N. Toost.  The editor, Malcolm Eggs, has just come out with a book called the Breakfast Bible, which is an outstanding collection of recipes, vignettes, reviews, and documented facts about breakfasts around the world, including the United States of America, which is why it is so important to our readership and the world.

He will be visiting New York City on a media blitz from May 10-20.  If you or someone you know is a major media personality in the New York City area, I would highly encourage you or that person you know to reach out to Mr. Eggs immediately via Twitter or some other device, whatever the kids are using these days.  You can also get through to him via my email, which I still check on occasion and will make a point of reviewing until May 20, at least.

Otherwise, order the Bible of Breakfasts and support the magnificent research that is going on in Britain, with which we have a special relationship.

Love,
Your friend and critic, Beau Cadiyo

The Cleveland Museum of Art

11150 East Blvd
Cleveland, OH 44106
(216) 421-7340

by Beau Cadiyo

OK, advertising execs, this one is for free:

I don't know why April Fool's Day isn't a bigger television advertisement day than the Super Bowl.  It offers SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES for celebrities and companies to trade millions of dollars, have fun, and get viewers and customers, and it would make television advertising relevant again.

Think about it.  First, the companies can hire people that they normally wouldn't - Justin Bieber plugging for the AARP, for example, or LeBron James for Summer's Eve.  They can make ludicrous advertisements - ones that are over the top absurd, worthy of Dali.  They have a day to compete for viewers and plaudits.  Then, the next day, the celebrities claim it was all in good fun, that it wasn't serious, and their brands won't be tarnished.  They get paid.  The companies get attention, and are known for having a bit of fun at, and for, their own expense.  Viewers are glued to their TVs or computers.  It's like Will Ferrell doing Old Milwaukee, but for every company that exists.  Stars could be born; new companies could come out of nowhere.  We could have an award for the best commercials.

God, it makes SO MUCH FARKING SENSE.  I need to be in advertising.  Someone effing hire me.

Also, the burger at the museum is pretty average, all around.  The lettuce tasted incredible - that was the best thing that could be said for it.  If I was going to go back, I'd get one of the naan rolls - they looked delicious and didn't take nearly as long to make.

Also, I don't know why they aren't using the atrium to grow produce for their kitchen, though.  That's also an obvious thing for them to do, year round.  That's TWO FREEBIES IN ONE POST PEOPLE.

Wexler's Tavern

4555 State Rd
Cleveland, OH 44109
(216) 398-5000
www.wexlerstavern.com/

by Beau Cadiyo


I received the following question today from the owner of the Oberlin Market, which we reviewed several years ago:

Hello, this is the owner of The Oberlin Market. How long do you leave your comments up? Much of this business has changed since 2007, so I'm not sure how relevant this is. 
Also, in this review you comment on several factors other than the food. These comments are snarky at best, and I don't think they follow good ethics. 
Please consider whether you a providing a dis-service by leaving this up. Thank you.

The author, of course, is named "Anonymous," so we have no idea whether he or she is actually part of the Oberlin Market or not.  Also, there is no indication as to how the restaurant has changed; I'm sure the air is different, and perhaps the menu, but we have no way of knowing.  There is obviously a date on the review, which people can use to judge whether the review is timely or not.  Also, there is no analysis of how this does not "follow good ethics" - instead, our correspondent simply says it's not "good ethics" and lets it stand at that.  There is obviously an argument to be made that, by writing an inane, poorly-worded, poorly-reasoned comment, they were trying to cast the real owners of the Oberlin Market in a poor light; if so, well played.

But I'll bite.  I also don't know why this would provide a "dis-service."  It simply states facts and opinions, as any review does, and is necessarily a product of its time.  However, this might be a good discussion: do any readers have any opinions as to whether this follows "good ethics" or does a "dis-service" to anyone or anything?  If not, I'll accept a well-deserved victory in the court of public opinion.

Also, I do declare, I'm a big fan of the burgers at Wexler's Tavern.  They are large, juicy, well-constructed and, as Frank Shoop pointed out, "there's nothing wrong with them."  The buffalo chicken salad is also delicious, the waitstaff is friendly to the point of being endearing and comfortable, and the owner was in this evening so I got to exchange a few words with him; he seemed like a solid guy.  Their beer selection is smaller than some places, but with an excellent range and stellar prices - for example, two Vanilla Porters were $2 a piece, and I got a delicious beer brewed in Salt Lake City, Utah.  (The girl I was with, upon hearing that her porters were $2, got angry - not at Wexler's but at all of the other bars in town.)  It's a great sandwich in an easy-to-access location with cheap beer and a fun vibe.  If you're in the neighborhood, stop by.

Red Chimney

6501 Fleet Ave
Cleveland, OH 44105
(216) 441-0053

by Beau Cadiyo

You know, back in my day when I was growin' up in California, we used to call people like Alaska Representative Don Young "racist."  Well, "racist," "fascist" or maybe we'd call 'em "Nazis."  "White Supremacists" was a term that also came up occasionally.  At lunch, there was a group of them that sat way off to one side of the gym; they wore jeans and suspenders and bomber jackets, no matter how hot it was, and the guys shaved their heads.  They were always really nice to me because they thought I was white, too.  When they were outside of school, people who knew them - blacks, sometimes, but oftentimes the Mexicans that went to school with us - would call them "racists" to their face, which they'd sneer at.  Once, one of the white supremacists was at a punk rock show and got in a shoving match with a black guy, who proceeded to beat him to the ground and stomp on his goddamned racist ribs.  It was all the talk at school that Monday; how the racist got beat up by a black guy.

Later, I heard that the white supremacist was at a community college.  The last thing he heard before he woke up in the hospital was, "Hey white boy."  So I guess "white boy" was another term people used.  I didn't, though.

There's a reason that people are running away from the Republican party en masse.  It's a big tent, sure, but under that tent are people like Alaska Representative Don Young, and Todd Akin, and the other people under that tent seem to be clapping for them mighty loudly.

I was pleasantly surprised by Red Chimney; I'd been meaning to go there for a while, but just kept forgetting.  It's owned by an incredibly friendly Greek man with a thick accent.  In a different era, he'd be sitting behind the counter, chain smoking cigarettes and watching the waitresses as they shuttle back and forth with plates; now, though, he can't smoke inside and he treats the staff as if they were his family (which, of course, they might be).  We asked him where a local bar was at which we could get a drink, and he had no idea; it was endearing, as when I looked at my phone, there were clearly five bars in close proximity to his restaurant.

That sort of clean living is respectable.

Red Chimney is cheap - I think my patty melt with fries was about six dollars.  The patties were clearly hand-formed - irregular edges and shapes were the clear giveaway - and the bread was fried in butter.  The fries were crisp, and the waitress quickly accommodated my request for mayo, indicating that she was cosmopolitan.  They thanked us profusely while we were paying; it was nice to be in a place where they seem to appreciate your custom.  Then we left.

Tremont Tap House

2572 Scranton Rd
Cleveland, OH 44113
(216) 298-4451
http://www.tremonttaphouse.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

I do not take this lightly, or mean to sound as if I do.  We must do whatever we can to avoid casualties to our soldiers and innocent civilians in Asia.

However, I can't help but think that if Kim Jong Un actually decides to strike, it would give us an excellent reason to destroy another despotic regime and liberate the people of North Korea from their benighted state.  China wouldn't be able to tell us not to defend ourselves; they might ask for limits on our advance, like they did sixty years ago, but they would not be able to go in front of the world and argue that the US, or South Korea, or Japan, should not defend ourselves or themselves.

I'm also proud of the level of Hagel's response - he's clearly saying that we're not going to do whatever it takes to placate the North Koreans, but that if they decide to act, we will react, swiftly and strongly and completely.  Contrast this to pretty much every other president who has bent over, forward or backward, to do whatever it takes to appease these monstrous regimes.  At this point, I think that there are advantages to confrontation that far outweigh the disadvantages - and, if there is to be a confrontation, it is better that it occur before they have nuclear weapons than after;

If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. Since no man of aught he leaves knows, what is ’t to leave betimes? Let be.

Also, the burger at the Tremont Taphouse is one of the best in the city.  As soon as I tipped it up, angling it for the bite, I know that it was actually medium-rare; beef juice, both red and brownish-clear, dribbled out while Frank Schauer gawked, open-mouthed, and said, "Wow.  That...that is actually medium rare."  The lettuce was crisp, the tomato red and juicy, the onions slightly pungent and the bun toasted perfectly.  The happy hour is truly a deal.  No wonder people were standing to wait for a table or a spot at the bar at 7 p.m. on a Tuesday.  Get there early, get a spot and eat.  You will not regret it.