Detroit
by Beau Cadiyo
I have been watching the COVID-19 debacle with INCREASING ALARM from my safe space away from the LIBERAL FAKE NEWS. It has become INCREASINGLY OBVIOUS that the only real way for TRUE AMERICANS WHO LOVE DONALD TRUMP AND AMERICA to fight the disease is GO THROUGH EACH OF THE FOLLOWING STEPS:
- Go outside and try to get the disease. You won't be able to no matter how hard you try.
- Really want to stick it to those liberal elites? Stop social distancing. Find some other Americans who love President Trump and who have symptoms of the disease, but who watch Fox News like winners. Go get a beer and drink it with them at their house. Share beers - do a tasting, and drink from the same glasses.
- Eat the same foods.
- Stay inside, and get close to them. Touch legs.
- Kiss them. So what if they are men too - this isn't about comfort, or heteronormativity, it's about America, goddammit.
- Get up and go to the bathroom. Notice that it hasn't been cleaned in a while? So what - lick the toilet bowl. You still won't get the disease. Do it for our president, you fucking pussy!
- On your way home, find other people who don't believe the LIBERAL MEDIA LIES. Show how much you love freedom by SNEEZING IN THEIR FACES. Make sure their eyes are open when you do (physically and metaphorically, of course).
- If you start to feel sick, tell people on Twitter that you are showing symptoms. (All other social media is controlled by leftists like Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin.) Then, plan a party ASAP and issue an open invitation to anyone who LOVES AMERICA to come over and show how much they HATE THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA AND THE WASHINGTON SWAMP by licking your saliva and mucous off of plates. Remind them that THIS IS FOR AMERICA!!!
- Whatever you do, DO NOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL. My cousin was at a private Zoom party with Sean Hannity and overheard him saying that this whole "disease" is part of a plot to get REPUBLICANS to go into hospitals and support socialist Obamacare medical procedures and undergo abortions (yes even the menfolk). No matter how bad it gets, DO NOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL. STAY ACTIVE WITH YOUR FOX-LOVING FRIENDS.
- GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!!! DON'T TREAD ON ME!!! LIBERATE KUWAIT!!! STEVIE WONDER!!!
And at least the Middle Easterners in Detroit take their citizenship seriously enough to keep their stores open during this fake news panic so that hard-working Americans can earn a living, unlike all of the UN-AMERICAN places like McDonalds (immigrant Irish), Burger King (monarchist), Wendy's (feminazi) or Subway (reminiscent of New York, which treated our president so unfairly). If you are a Republican in Michigan, support America by riding the bus without a mask, buying everything you can from open businesses, and lick public toilet seats for Jesus.
USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!
