Heck's Cafe

2927 Bridge Ave.
Cleveland, OH 44113
(216) 861-5464
www.heckscafe.com

By Edward Sandwichhands

I didn’t know what to think when I was told that we’d be dining at “Heck’s Café.” I originally thought that the establishment was called “Hex Café.” This brought to mind terrible visions of my Catholic upbringing and unleashed many repressed fears surrounding antiquated superstitions, the dark ages, and God’s ultimate plan. I kept quiet during the drive to the west side due to my fear of the rapture.

Today, God’s ultimate plan was for me to order the rouge burger. The burger was described as having bacon and Roquefort cheese dressing. I was pleasantly surprised when the burger arrived. It was well presented and topped with a heavy serving of perfectly prepared bacon and creamy Roquefort cheese. To me, bacon is well prepared when it is cooked but not very crispy. The bacon should still be a little soggy but not so fatty that it is hard to chew. Crispy bacon is for peasants. Peasants are given the lowest grades of meat because of their social status. When you eat low grade meat it must be scorched in order to help combat bacteria often found in peasant food like bull testicles or pigs feet. However, in this civilized age, anyone who chars their bacon is simply a fool who must have a problem with flavor.

I was hung-over and the burger was delicious. The meat was well prepared, the presentation was fantastic, and I think I’d enjoy almost anything covered in Roquefort cheese and bacon. The meal was served with flawless French fries, a pickle, and a personal ketchup bottle the size of my thumb. I found this gesture quaint but useless as I enjoy drowning my French fries in ketchup. The waitress must have suspected as much when she brought us an adult size ketchup bottle to compliment the ones that arrived on our plates.

Heck’s café impressed me with its sprawling floral décor, natural lighting, warm atmosphere, Latino music, and winning personality. While my meal did not help me to unpack my troubled past, it was certainly delicious and worth my drive to the west side of town. If I have a chance to go back, I’d love to try their Sacre Blue: a spinach, onion and mushroom sandwich with blue and American cheeses, served on sourdough. It sounds more innovative than Jesus.