7815 Carnegie Ave
Cleveland, OH 44103
By D. John Horseradish
SMOTHERED! American Heritage defines this as “to suffocate (another)”. This seems more relevant to ex-girlfriends than it does any samich I’ve eaten recently. UrbanDictionary’s version finds it “to be drunk; less than wasted, more than shitfaced.” Again, this applies more so to any weekend since starting my education at this illustrious institution than a samich I’ve devoured since writing reviews for this little read and highly promoted (by me…look how awesome my review is!) pamphlet. In no way do these negative denotations (UbanDictionary aside) apply to a Hot Sauce Williams pork shoulder samich. This samich was beyond smothered; it is brilliantly horrendous.
I entered this restaurant lost. I was unsure about the pastel interior and the plastic tablecloths reminding me of post-church discussions on whether the Vikings, Twins, or North Stars (touchy subject– moving a hockey team from Minnesota to Dallas, OUTRAGEOUS!) would win that particular week. All in all, first impressions left me unsure of this dining establishment.
I ordered a pork shoulder samich combo, which includes fries and a side. I asked for macaroni and cheese. They did not have any. As I felt my expectations plummet a cover lifted from a vat of cheesy scalloped potatoes, prompting a grin rivaling John Belushi’s while observing Mary Louise Weller topless in Animal House. Next came the fries and a piece of bread topped with a sizeable mound of chopped pork, both drenched in barbecue sauce. At the end a scoop of coleslaw completed the combo, and I was conspicuously speechless. (editor’s note: he was.)
Returning to my seat, examining my meal, it looked hot! Not hot like spicy or temperature hot, but sexy hot. Hot like Natalie Portman in lingerie, a 1950 Porsche 550, or me with an Arctic White Fender Telecaster with a mint green pickboard. Believe me, it tasted as sexy as it looked. As I exited I felt the need for a sugar rush, so I stopped for Hot Sauce Williams’ own purple punch. This drink was delicious, kept me awake through class, and single-handedly rotted 3 of my teeth. Resplendent!
I entered Hot Sauce Williams unsure of its potential. I departed convinced! I learned that to be smothered by Hot Sauce Williams is a wonderful and memorable occasion. No longer shall past girlfriends and awful hangovers negatively command the use of smothered.