Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Black Pig

1865 W 25th St  Cleveland, OH 44113(216) 862-7551theblackpigcleveland.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

I just saw these articles about the folks behind the "Opportunity Corridor" not actually owning www.opportunitycorridor.com .  To summarize: the city and state governments are trying to give them $300 Million for the project and, after however many years, nobody ever thought to buy the relevant domain names.

This, my friends, is Cleveland government at work.

The site itself is a bit dry for my tastes.  I understand - they want to appeal to a wide swath of people, and don't want to offend anyone.  I, of course, am in a different position: I am a Sandwich Scientist™, and my obligation is to the truth.  Toward that end, I offer this to the public and, most especially and sincerely, to the folksies behind www.opportunitycorridor.com for their most liberal use, etc.  To wit:

Q: What is the Opportunity Corridor?
A: We're spending $300,000,000 (THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!!!) to build a three mile road in Cleveland.  It's going to be awesome!

Q: Wait - that's one hundred million dollars per mile, right?
A: Yep.  But again, it's going to be awesome.  Opportunity!

Q: Is this road going to be pedestrian-friendly and help develop businesses and neighborhoods in a sustainable way?
A: No!  It's supposed to make it easier and faster to get from the freeway to the Cleveland Clinic.  It will give West Siders the Opportunity to zip past the poor people!

Q: Hmm.  What about the state of the roads in North-East Ohio?  Shouldn't we be spending money to fill potholes, repave them, or maybe make them more bike and pedestrian-friendly?
A: No.  The money should go to these three miles of road.

Q: Why?
A: Because we think it's a good idea.  Also, it's a Corridor!  Think about how cool that sounds.  "Opportunity Corridor!"  People will like saying it!  

Q: We can barely raise money for our schools.  Can't we spend the money on education?
A: Opportunity Corridor!  It's about opportunity!  This will give children opportunities!  

Q: What opportunities will it give children?  
A: All of them!  

Q: What about public safety?  Shouldn't we spend money to outfit our police - for example, give them spike strips, better equipment and training, and hire more officers to respond to emergencies?
A: One answer: 137 shots.  Do you actually want more police on the streets?  That's just about the last thing we need.  Police will only get in the way of Opportunity, and they will interfere with the Corridor part, too.

Q: What about improving the fire department?
A: The Fire Chief just threatened to stab his officers in their necks.  What would he do with money?  Buy knives?  Do you want more dead firefighters?  

Q: What about using the money for lakefront development - like tearing down Burke and building something that all of the citizens can use?
A: Burke loses over one million dollars a year.  If we gave them money, it would just be throwing good money after bad.  Plus, this street - I mean, Corridor - is going to have medians!

Q: What about the dismal state of public transportation in Cleveland?  Why don't we improve the light rail and bus lines?
A: We are building an awesome Opportunity Corridor.  It's for cars.  We can't spend money to prepare for tomorrow - we need to spend money to cater to the needs of yesterday.

Q: What about all of the vacant land and abandoned buildings?  We can't tear these down fast enough because everyone says there's no money for it.  Isn't that a better use of the money?
A: Opportunity + Corridor + ! = Opportunity Corridor!

Q: Who is this money going toward?  Who benefits?  Which firms are getting the contracts, and whose campaigns are they donating to?
A: Ignore the men behind the curtains.  This is an opportunity for the city to spend $300,000,000 on a road.  Who wouldn't want that?  

Q: Yeah, but you already got $25 Million to start this off, and you couldn't even manage to buy the domain names.  With this level of incompetent management, how are we supposed to trust you with $300 Million?
A: Opportunity!  Corridor!  


To the folks behind www.opportunitycorridor.com - I reiterate my position.  Take this at your leisure.  Run with it.  Godspeed.  

Also, the burger at The Black Pig is not bad - it was saucy, juicy and tasty, but both of the ones we ordered were overcooked and the bottom buns fell apart.  The fries, on the other hand, were delicious, especially when dipped in the aioli that they brought out.  

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