Captain Tony’s Pizza and Pasta Emporium

Worldwide Pizza Franchise
13208 Shaker Square
Cleveland, OH 44120
216-561-8669

By Edward Sandwichhands

Captain Tony’s is a quaint take out place located in Shaker Square with five accommodating tables, a large menu, and the type of witty banter you can expect from any fine establishment in Cleveland. I wouldn’t recommend going to Captain Tony’s to pick up women, but if you are looking to pick up balding, overweight, thirty-something men and a case of indigestion – Captain Tony’s is the spot.

For $28 we managed to fill our entire table with two orders of toto-fries, an order of cheese breadsticks, a side salad, two eggplant parmesan sandwiches and a gyro. The order was absurd; we clearly had no idea what we were doing. Captain Tony told us we wouldn’t finish everything. I hate being told that I can’t do something, but he was right: we ordered way too much.

The fries and breadsticks were better than I’d expect from a worldwide pizza franchise. Unfortunately, the eggplant parmesan just didn’t do it for me: the roll was burdened with eggplant to the point that the sandwich was sloppy and difficult to eat. (I’d describe it as a ship about to capsize) When I order eggplant parmesan I like a firm balance of eggplant, cheese and sauce. It’s not like they have to live together in perfect harmony; I just feel they need to be reasonably well proportioned. My sandwich was loaded with eggplant but lacking the necessary amounts of sauce and cheese. I don’t need my sandwich “smothered” like old D.John, but there are rules to the sandwich game:

Rule 1) All sandwiches must be delicious.
Rule 2) All sandwiches must be made with fresh ingredients.
Rule 3) All sandwiches must be well presented.
Rule 4) All sandwiches must have proper form
Rule 5) All sandwiches must have well proportioned ingredients.

These are the cardinal rules of sandwiches. To break one of these rules is, in my eyes, a sin against God and country. Any sandwich that fails to comply with the above list of rules should be reported to the Cleveland Sandwich Board immediately. If you venture to Captain Tony’s, I’d stick to the pizza and the salads. If you want a sandwich, go somewhere that knows the rules of the game.

McNulty's Pub

1765 Coventry Rd.
Cleveland Heights, Ohio 44118
216.932.9996

By Edward Sandwichhands

Where does Cleveland go to get sandwiches after midnight on Sunday? If you happen to be stuck on Coventry saucing with your comrades, the answer is simple: McNulty’s Pub. The conventional choice of most Coventry-goers is Guy’s pizza, but if you need faster and greasier late-night eats, McNulty’s is your forum - particularly if you are looking for a sandwich.

McNulty’s is not very crowded on Sunday nights because all the cool kids go to the B-Side for indie rock night. The place was nearly empty and we were the only ones there to eat. I immediately knew that I needed the beef brisket Philly. It felt like a steal for $5, and the sandwich was ready almost immediately. The sandwich was large, steaming, covered in provolone and Swiss cheese, adorned with mushrooms and onions, and drowning in its own liquids. I was pretty hungry so I wolfed it down. In the process of doing so I created a sizable grease puddle capable of heating a small village in some hypothetical country. After I discarded my final crust I saw Frank Elkins take it and dip it in the grease pile for a late night munch. After being confronted, Frank readily admitted that it wasn’t a good idea and that the discarded bread crust and grease were pretty disgusting.

When the sandwich was over, I felt like a genuine McNulty’s patron: drunk, bloated and unsatisfied with life. The sandwich was pretty decent except for being entirely too greasy. But you must always know your place. If you go to a bar after midnight on a Sunday and the sandwich you get isn’t greasy, there’s probably something wrong.

What is your favorite late night spot to grab a sandwich, Cleveland?