Grum's Sub Shop

1776 Coventry Rd
Cleveland, OH 44118
(216) 321-4781

by Beau Cadiyo

Zach Reed, Ken Johnson and Jeff Johnson are going back to the City Council, and I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with the people who live in their Wards.

The only thing that makes this somewhat bearable is that Cimperman and Cummins pulled out victories.  Also, a delicious Turkey Ridge will help.  But if we want respect, we need to try not to support leaders who have brought such shame and disgrace upon our region.

Hodge's

668 Euclid Ave. 

Cleveland, OH 44114

(216) 771-4000

http://hodgescleveland.com/

By Beau Cadiyo

A friend of mine, Frank, recently tagged me on facebook in a post that said this was the "BEST video EVER."

Before I was able to view the video, a bunch of other people commented about how incredible it was, how much they loved it, etc.  

Now Frank is not a dumb girl; she got a degree at the Cleveland Institute of Art and is now in Chicago, getting another Bachelor's degree and working her tail off in a variety of jobs.  She also has incredible tattoos and showed me how to adjust my sewing machine and make incredible shirts.  She has excellent taste, generally, so I appreciate her opinion on things.  I wondered, though, whether this was actually the best video ever?  I mean, seriously...EVER?  

So I decided to do a comparison.  I watched that video over again and tried to absorb its essence, to really understand it, to observe all of the subtle nuances and special things that she might have observed and I might have missed.  (I'm a mere Sandwich Scientist, after all, not an artist.)  Then I started doing comparisons.  

First, I watched this, or tried to:

This is a popular video - at the time of writing it had garnered 5,100,488 views, which is not insubstantial.  However, the gravitas of the cat in its meaningless motorized meanderings does not nearly make up for the fact that it is still a cat, on a Roomba, sitting down; if it has been viewed that many times, people have spent a total of 163,215 hours watching a cat sitting on a vacuum cleaner.  

Newly disgusted with the unwashed peasant masses, and believing more and more that Frank might be right, I decided to compare her video with this one:

Incredible.  The sheer joy of activity, the clear chemistry, the single perspective - this, my friends, is a great video.  

But at the same time, while the cat video addresses a deep existential dilemma in modern society, this video seems to exist solely to make people smile and rejoice in the joy of life.  It could, of course, be a commentary on our society - that the majority of people stand around, clapping, while others - perhaps, as the dog symbolizes, entities or animals without real consciousness - dance for their amusement.  Is it better than the first?  It is better than the cat, but not better than R. Kelly, at least from a philosophical perspective.  

So I watched this:

Case closed.  While I have no objective opinion and would never say that The Seventh Seal is the best video ever, it is clear that it is far, far ahead of the first video in virtually every way save for diversity, and thus far, far ahead of the other two videos as well.  The ruminations on the transitory nature of life, the striking cinematography, the character development, the plot lines - all of these speak of genius.  

What does this tell me about Frank, and about our society?  Well, first, in order for someone to name something the "best (INSERT OBJECT) ever," it presupposes that that person has some knowledge of every competing object that has existed and has the ability to objectively judge the object in question.  Here, I assumed this based on Frank's credentials and curious grammatical choices.  I said to myself, "Wow, if Frank says this is the 'BEST video EVER,' that means she has seen everything else there is to see and is has the ability to be impartial about them - just as if someone says, 'this is the BEST Italian food EVER,' I think to myself, 'They did not say that it's the best Italian food they've ever had, which would be a subjective opinion that I would believe, so that person must be really old, because Italian food has been around for millennia, doesn't always have a long shelf life, and it doesn't travel well, so for them to have a comprehensive knowledge of Italian food is truly incredible.  I want to know more."  This, clearly, is a failure on my part.  I should not be so trusting when someone says they had the "best Thai food ever," or the "best massage ever," or the "best sailboat race across Lake Erie ever."  Instead, I should be skeptical and ask them what made it the best, and whether they really mean "ever."  

So then I started to question what else she'd told me about her opinions of things.  

I started to question her judgment.  

I started to wonder if we were really friends.  

Then I thought, "That's silly - we're friends on Facebook, so of course we're friends."  

Also, the burger at Hodge's is really good - perhaps the best ever, although I am in no position to offer such an opinion.  

The Black Pig

1865 W 25th St  Cleveland, OH 44113(216) 862-7551theblackpigcleveland.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

I just saw these articles about the folks behind the "Opportunity Corridor" not actually owning www.opportunitycorridor.com .  To summarize: the city and state governments are trying to give them $300 Million for the project and, after however many years, nobody ever thought to buy the relevant domain names.


This, my friends, is Cleveland government at work.


The site itself is a bit dry for my tastes.  I understand - they want to appeal to a wide swath of people, and don't want to offend anyone.  I, of course, am in a different position: I am a Sandwich Scientist™, and my obligation is to the truth.  Toward that end, I offer this to the public and, most especially and sincerely, to the folksies behind www.opportunitycorridor.com for their most liberal use, etc.  To wit:


Q: What is the Opportunity Corridor?
A: We're spending $300,000,000 (THREE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!!!) to build a three mile road in Cleveland.  It's going to be awesome!


Q: Wait - that's one hundred million dollars per mile, right?
A: Yep.  But again, it's going to be awesome.  Opportunity!


Q: Is this road going to be pedestrian-friendly and help develop businesses and neighborhoods in a sustainable way?
A: No!  It's supposed to make it easier and faster to get from the freeway to the Cleveland Clinic.  It will give West Siders the Opportunity to zip past the poor people!


Q: Hmm.  What about the state of the roads in North-East Ohio?  Shouldn't we be spending money to fill potholes, repave them, or maybe make them more bike and pedestrian-friendly?
A: No.  The money should go to these three miles of road.


Q: Why?
A: Because we think it's a good idea.  Also, it's a Corridor!  Think about how cool that sounds.  "Opportunity Corridor!"  People will like saying it!  


Q: We can barely raise money for our schools.  Can't we spend the money on education?
A: Opportunity Corridor!  It's about opportunity!  This will give children opportunities!  

Q: What opportunities will it give children?  
A: All of them!  


Q: What about public safety?  Shouldn't we spend money to outfit our police - for example, give them spike strips, better equipment and training, and hire more officers to respond to emergencies?
A: One answer: 137 shots.  Do you actually want more police on the streets?  That's just about the last thing we need.  Police will only get in the way of Opportunity, and they will interfere with the Corridor part, too.


Q: What about improving the fire department?
A: The Fire Chief just threatened to stab his officers in their necks.  What would he do with money?  Buy knives?  Do you want more dead firefighters?  


Q: What about using the money for lakefront development - like tearing down Burke and building something that all of the citizens can use?
A: Burke loses over one million dollars a year.  If we gave them money, it would just be throwing good money after bad.  Plus, this street - I mean, Corridor - is going to have medians!


Q: What about the dismal state of public transportation in Cleveland?  Why don't we improve the light rail and bus lines?
A: We are building an awesome Opportunity Corridor.  It's for cars.  We can't spend money to prepare for tomorrow - we need to spend money to cater to the needs of yesterday.


Q: What about all of the vacant land and abandoned buildings?  We can't tear these down fast enough because everyone says there's no money for it.  Isn't that a better use of the money?
A: Opportunity + Corridor + ! = Opportunity Corridor!


Q: Who is this money going toward?  Who benefits?  Which firms are getting the contracts, and whose campaigns are they donating to?
A: Ignore the men behind the curtains.  This is an opportunity for the city to spend $300,000,000 on a road.  Who wouldn't want that?  

Q: Yeah, but you already got $25 Million to start this off, and you couldn't even manage to buy the domain names.  With this level of incompetent management, how are we supposed to trust you with $300 Million?
A: Opportunity!  Corridor!  


###


To the folks behind www.opportunitycorridor.com - I reiterate my position.  Take this at your leisure.  Run with it.  Godspeed.  


Also, the burger at The Black Pig is not bad - it was saucy, juicy and tasty, but both of the ones we ordered were overcooked and the bottom buns fell apart.  The fries, on the other hand, were delicious, especially when dipped in the aioli that they brought out.  

Mister Brisket PSA

I just got this in my email inbox.  As it is public, and it's an advertisement, I figure I can post it here without any legal problems.  If anyone at Mister Brisket doesn't want me promoting their business like this, please let me know.

I like that they have stayed flexible in their approach to business, and that they are constantly innovating and improving.  Mister Brisket is a valuable business in the Cleveland Heights community, primarily because they make sandwiches but also because they add value to their neighborhood, keep people employed, and help pay for services.  But primarily because they make sandwiches.

Love,
Beau Cadiyo

MISTER BRISKET     216 932 8620


Seven years ago this July, Mister Brisket retooled our business by revamping our store space and adding meat sandwiches to our purchase options.  No longer were we strictly a premium quality butcher shop specializing in home delivery.  We were now a destination for anyone looking for really good corned beef, pastrami or hot brisket.  This changed us significantly.  At a time when we faced ever increased competition for butcher shop sales, it brought in new customers especially from our hometown of Cleveland Heights.  This adaptation, which felt risky at the time, was critical to our survival as a small business in a constantly evolving market.  It also meant that Cleveland had a new purveyor of meat sandwiches and one who was determined to provided the very best in that regard.

Seven years later, we are continuing to improve.  We recently switched from using first cut beef briskets to our Meyer USDA Prime Whole Beef Briskets for all our roasted and barbecued brisket orders.  We also contacted our man in Detroit, Sy Ginsberg, and asked him if he'd be willing to make our USDA Prime Beef Briskets into USDA Prime Raw Corned Beef Briskets.  He agreed.  The result is that we have elevated the corned beef game not only throughout NE Ohio but we believe throughout the entire United States.  The corned beef we are now serving is the most tender, juicy and succulent corned beef in the world. Don't believe us?  Well, we'll give you a reason to try.

The last weekend of this month--July 26 and July 27--we are going to sell all our large sandwiches at the original prices we offered them at when we first opened--$6.50.  Since our current price is 8.95--a relative bargain even now--you are going to be able to get one of our premium quality meat sandwiches--esp. our world class corned beef, brisket or pastrami--for the price you would have paid seven years ago.  So mark the last weekend in July on your calendar and plan to come celebrate our anniversary with us.  We won't disappoint.  Incidentally, cards and gifts are unneccesary.  We just want you to come in and enjoy as our appreciation for your patronage.

Currently In Stock and On Sale---MNA USDA Prime Strips---16.95/lb
Also available:
MNA USDA Prime Hanger Steaks            12.95/lb
Beef Tenderloin Filets or Roasts                  11.99/lb (weighed prior to trim)
MNA USDA Prime Briskets    4.50/lb (whole)    6.99/lb (first cut)
MNA USDA Choice Skirt Steaks (prime are currently unavailable)    13.99/lb
Beef Ribs                            3.99/lb
Pork baby back Ribs          3.99/lb
Beef Burgers                       4.99/lb
Bacon Burgers                    5.99/lb
Turkey Burgers                   6.50/lb
Pork Butts                          2.49/lb
Smoked Slab Bacon           4.99/lb
USDA Prime Rack of Lamb/Rib Chops    7.99/lb (weighed prior to trim)
Veal Sweetbreads                10.99/lb
Wild Alaskan Halibut--frozen    20.95/lb
Fresh, Natural Fryers        2.99/lb
L'Albatros Wing On Breasts    5.99/lb
All Beef Natural Casing Hot Dogs      7.99/lb
Jumbo Beef Hot Dogs            7.99/lb
Homemade Thai Sausage        5.99/lb

Plus:
USDA Prime Corned Beef Brisket--baked and sliced    14.99/lb
USDA Prime Roasted Beef Brisket--sliced        14.99/lb
Rumanian Beef Pastrami--sliced        14.99/lb

Remember--the weekend of July 26 and 27 all Mister Brisket Large deli sandwiches will revert to our 2006 price of $6.50

We are open today until 5pm and tomorrow until 3pm.  Come visit us, grab a sandwich and head to the Cain Park Arts Festival.

Mister Brisket        216 932 8620

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Mister Brisket, Inc. 2156 South Taylor Road Cleveland Heights, Ohio 44118 US

West Side Market Cafe

1979 W 25th St  

Cleveland, OH 44113

(216) 579-6800

www.westsidemarketcafe.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

The email arrived in my inbox: did I want to have an adventure?

The answer, as it should be to all right-thinking young men, is yes. The sender of the email, Xperiencedays.com, was more than willing to provide me with one. Best of all, they were going to comp me; I assumed it was with the expectation that I would write about the experience on the sandwich board, although it was never explicitly stated.

I have no qualms about accepting free stuff, then writing about it for the CSB. The only time when it is questionable – and, by that, I mean entirely objectionable - Is when a blogger writes up a product, then does not disclose that they got the item or service for free. I have received offers in the past that I did not take up, only later to see other bloggers in the community write up a glowing review, repeating almost verbatim the sales line I had seen earlier, and never disclosing that it was all part of a giant marketing strategy. I find that morally repugnant.

So, with that understanding, I signed up to receive flight instructions through Xperiencedays.com. However, on the appointed day, I happened to be racing yachts off of the coast. I did so under the impression that we would only have three races, that they would start at 8:30, and I would be done by 1 PM, with plenty of time to get to my 3 p.m. flight lesson. However, it turned out that the organizers had four races in mind, and we ended up being on the water until 4 p.m. With eight hours of racing under our belts, I missed the lesson, and also got a pretty wicked sunburn on my knees. To top it off, we didn't even win our division.  

However, even though I didn't get to enjoy my free lesson in exchange for free publicity, I did want to note that this seems like a pretty awesome organization and they were a true pleasure to deal with. Also, the breakfast sandwich at the West Side Market Café is phenomenal, and, while not free, is pretty darn cheap.

SOHO

1889 W 25th Street
Cleveland, OH 44113
(216) 298-9090
http://www.sohocleveland.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

One of my pet peeves is when people talk about an action - smoking, drinking, eating red meat - "increasing" the chances of death.  It makes me want to pull a pre-printed card out of my pocket:

Dear Sir/Madam:

The chances of death for all living beings is 100%.  Nothing can increase or decrease the chance of us someday taking a trip to that undiscovered country from whose bourne no traveler returns.  The action or stimulus you just mentioned cannot "increase" the chance of death any more than the opposite action or stimulus would "decrease" it.  I will die.  You will die.  We all will die.  The end.

Sincerely,
Beau Cadiyo
Cleveland Sandwich Board

Death is something we never want to talk about, or think about.  We hate the idea that we are going to die.  So we pretend we're not going to.  We live our lives as if we aren't going to die, as if what we do each and every day does not matter, when, of course, it is vitally, painfully important.  The secretaries in my office, for example, spend a portion of every Monday morning talking about the television they watch.  They spend a portion of every Wednesday talking about how horrible their week has been, or perhaps what the men in their lives are doing.  They spend a portion of every Friday talking about the guys they're going to see that weekend, and the bars they'll visit, and worrying about the weather.  These are the things that occupy their thoughts, their consciousnesses. They wake up thinking about rain and the sun, and go to work thinking about their iPhones or Justin Bieber, and talk about traffic when they are lying in bed with their loved ones.

Television is mindless drivel.  Work is irrelevant.  Worrying about celebrities, or bar scenes, or the weather - is life so small that these are the things we spend our lives thinking about?

What if they recognized that everyone will die, and that we really don't have that much time left?  That everyone alive today will be memories in two hundred years?  That perhaps the race will continue, but that we have no idea, and that it is entirely possible - I'm sorry, it's an inescapable fact - that we don't know when our time will come?  How would you spend your life if you knew that one day you would be dead, but you didn't know when that would be?  Would you continue to live your life vicariously through Rich Kids Of Instagram? Would you spend more time thinking about the Kardashians, or LeBron, or what the next storm will be named?  What if, instead, we all worked hard to do something important?  What if we made smarter decisions on how we focused our mind, and what we paid attention to?  How would that change the world?

The Catfish Po' Boy at SOHO has an exceptional filling, but the bread was somewhat disappointing - a bit overly fluffed, overly prominent.  The chefs do an excellent job with everything else, and the bartenders mix some incredible cocktails; if they just changed the bread a bit, it would be one of the best sandwiches in Cleveland.

Local Tavern

29007 Chardon Rd 

Willoughby Hills, OH 44092

(440) 943-5926

http://www.local-tavern.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

Bite: Support blatant sexism by going to Bal Ingenieux at Halcyon Lodge, and the burgers at the Local Tavern are excellent.  

By now, you probably know what just happened in Wilcox County, Georgia.  If you don't, let me recap:

In 2013, a Georgia high school held its first integrated prom.  

That's right.  White students and black students went to the same prom.  Until this last weekend, all of the proms at the local high school were segregated: white students went to the white prom, black students went to the black prom, and nobody - no, nobody - crossed that line.  

The nation, and really the civilized world, was stunned that this was still happening - that people were not only being treated differently based on race, but that it was being supported, and implicitly condoned, by a school district in America.  How, we asked ourselves, was this still going on?  The simple answer: nobody really questioned it.  The school district "decided" not to hold prom, and the parents were left to their segregationist ways.  Until this year, the community gave this division their full support.  It goes to prove that in order for evil to thrive - or, in this case, bigotry - the only thing that has to happen is for good people to stay silent.  

Here in Cleveland, we know a thing or two about community support of ignorant exclusion, and it's happening this Friday as part of Ingenuity Fest.  

I just finished reading the entirely excellent article on Freemasonry and Ingenuity Fest by Frank Sandy in the Scene. To recap: Ingenuity Fest is holding an event at Halcyon Lodge in Ohio City.  Halcyon, of course, is a Freemason temple, and as a Freemason temple, they don't let women in.  You read that right: Ingenuity Fest is supporting a group that, as part of its core principles, excludes half of the world based on gender.  Hitler, Stalin and Pol Pot would all be allowed to apply; Jane Campbell, Mother Theresa and Aung San Suu Kyi would not, just because they don't have penises.  Ignoring their long history of racism, which isn't a focus of this article, it's shocking to me that Ingenuity Fest would support this sort of organization with money and attention, particularly when there are so many other places in Cleveland at which this event could be held without this sort of controversy.  I'm sure that they would never think to hold an event at, say, a KKK hall, or the headquarters of the American Nazi Party, no matter how beautiful the inside might be; to support an organization that symbolizes "No Girls Allowed" is just baffling.  

So it is strange that a progressive organization like Ingenuity Fest would want to put money in their coffers and help them stay solvent. It is exceptionally odd that progressive people in the community would pay to support this sort of sexism.  I mean, didn't anyone think this through?  Didn't anyone question where the money was going, or the basic tenets of this group?  Were they so blinded by the opportunity to see inside this windowless building that they decided to ignore their own principles and shell out the cash to support sexism - in 2013?!?

Apparently not.  Apparently, for far too long, good people in Cleveland have been staying silent.  

I urge you to write Dana at Ingenuity Fest and ask them to stop supporting sexism immediately.  You can copy and paste this message:

Stop holding events at Masonic halls.  It is a disgrace that your otherwise fine institution would support this sort of blatant bigotry in the community, and a stain on our city that these sorts of organizations exist at all.  You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Meanwhile, the burgers at the Local Tavern are exceptional.  They are tender, juicy, and they're all served with fresh-cut fries.  What's more, they don't keep any group out based on whether you are a man or woman, black or white, gay or straight.  If you have spare progressive dollars to spare, why not spend them at the Local Tavern?  It is certainly a decision you can justify to your grandchildren.  

The Breakfast Bible

Mes amis -

I occasionally have freelanced for the London Review of Breakfasts, an outstanding organization across the pond with a focus on sandwiches.  I'm sorry, on breakfasts.  I have written for them before under the ludicrous nom de plume of T.N. Toost.  The editor, Malcolm Eggs, has just come out with a book called the Breakfast Bible, which is an outstanding collection of recipes, vignettes, reviews, and documented facts about breakfasts around the world, including the United States of America, which is why it is so important to our readership and the world.

He will be visiting New York City on a media blitz from May 10-20.  If you or someone you know is a major media personality in the New York City area, I would highly encourage you or that person you know to reach out to Mr. Eggs immediately via Twitter or some other device, whatever the kids are using these days.  You can also get through to him via my email, which I still check on occasion and will make a point of reviewing until May 20, at least.

Otherwise, order the Bible of Breakfasts and support the magnificent research that is going on in Britain, with which we have a special relationship.

Love,
Your friend and critic, Beau Cadiyo

The Cleveland Museum of Art

11150 East Blvd
Cleveland, OH 44106
(216) 421-7340

by Beau Cadiyo

OK, advertising execs, this one is for free:

I don't know why April Fool's Day isn't a bigger television advertisement day than the Super Bowl.  It offers SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES for celebrities and companies to trade millions of dollars, have fun, and get viewers and customers, and it would make television advertising relevant again.

Think about it.  First, the companies can hire people that they normally wouldn't - Justin Bieber plugging for the AARP, for example, or LeBron James for Summer's Eve.  They can make ludicrous advertisements - ones that are over the top absurd, worthy of Dali.  They have a day to compete for viewers and plaudits.  Then, the next day, the celebrities claim it was all in good fun, that it wasn't serious, and their brands won't be tarnished.  They get paid.  The companies get attention, and are known for having a bit of fun at, and for, their own expense.  Viewers are glued to their TVs or computers.  It's like Will Ferrell doing Old Milwaukee, but for every company that exists.  Stars could be born; new companies could come out of nowhere.  We could have an award for the best commercials.

God, it makes SO MUCH FARKING SENSE.  I need to be in advertising.  Someone effing hire me.

Also, the burger at the museum is pretty average, all around.  The lettuce tasted incredible - that was the best thing that could be said for it.  If I was going to go back, I'd get one of the naan rolls - they looked delicious and didn't take nearly as long to make.

Also, I don't know why they aren't using the atrium to grow produce for their kitchen, though.  That's also an obvious thing for them to do, year round.  That's TWO FREEBIES IN ONE POST PEOPLE.

Wexler's Tavern

4555 State Rd
Cleveland, OH 44109
(216) 398-5000
www.wexlerstavern.com/

by Beau Cadiyo


I received the following question today from the owner of the Oberlin Market, which we reviewed several years ago:

Hello, this is the owner of The Oberlin Market. How long do you leave your comments up? Much of this business has changed since 2007, so I'm not sure how relevant this is. 
Also, in this review you comment on several factors other than the food. These comments are snarky at best, and I don't think they follow good ethics. 
Please consider whether you a providing a dis-service by leaving this up. Thank you.

The author, of course, is named "Anonymous," so we have no idea whether he or she is actually part of the Oberlin Market or not.  Also, there is no indication as to how the restaurant has changed; I'm sure the air is different, and perhaps the menu, but we have no way of knowing.  There is obviously a date on the review, which people can use to judge whether the review is timely or not.  Also, there is no analysis of how this does not "follow good ethics" - instead, our correspondent simply says it's not "good ethics" and lets it stand at that.  There is obviously an argument to be made that, by writing an inane, poorly-worded, poorly-reasoned comment, they were trying to cast the real owners of the Oberlin Market in a poor light; if so, well played.

But I'll bite.  I also don't know why this would provide a "dis-service."  It simply states facts and opinions, as any review does, and is necessarily a product of its time.  However, this might be a good discussion: do any readers have any opinions as to whether this follows "good ethics" or does a "dis-service" to anyone or anything?  If not, I'll accept a well-deserved victory in the court of public opinion.

Also, I do declare, I'm a big fan of the burgers at Wexler's Tavern.  They are large, juicy, well-constructed and, as Frank Shoop pointed out, "there's nothing wrong with them."  The buffalo chicken salad is also delicious, the waitstaff is friendly to the point of being endearing and comfortable, and the owner was in this evening so I got to exchange a few words with him; he seemed like a solid guy.  Their beer selection is smaller than some places, but with an excellent range and stellar prices - for example, two Vanilla Porters were $2 a piece, and I got a delicious beer brewed in Salt Lake City, Utah.  (The girl I was with, upon hearing that her porters were $2, got angry - not at Wexler's but at all of the other bars in town.)  It's a great sandwich in an easy-to-access location with cheap beer and a fun vibe.  If you're in the neighborhood, stop by.

Red Chimney

6501 Fleet Ave
Cleveland, OH 44105
(216) 441-0053

by Beau Cadiyo

You know, back in my day when I was growin' up in California, we used to call people like Alaska Representative Don Young "racist."  Well, "racist," "fascist" or maybe we'd call 'em "Nazis."  "White Supremacists" was a term that also came up occasionally.  At lunch, there was a group of them that sat way off to one side of the gym; they wore jeans and suspenders and bomber jackets, no matter how hot it was, and the guys shaved their heads.  They were always really nice to me because they thought I was white, too.  When they were outside of school, people who knew them - blacks, sometimes, but oftentimes the Mexicans that went to school with us - would call them "racists" to their face, which they'd sneer at.  Once, one of the white supremacists was at a punk rock show and got in a shoving match with a black guy, who proceeded to beat him to the ground and stomp on his goddamned racist ribs.  It was all the talk at school that Monday; how the racist got beat up by a black guy.

Later, I heard that the white supremacist was at a community college.  The last thing he heard before he woke up in the hospital was, "Hey white boy."  So I guess "white boy" was another term people used.  I didn't, though.

There's a reason that people are running away from the Republican party en masse.  It's a big tent, sure, but under that tent are people like Alaska Representative Don Young, and Todd Akin, and the other people under that tent seem to be clapping for them mighty loudly.

I was pleasantly surprised by Red Chimney; I'd been meaning to go there for a while, but just kept forgetting.  It's owned by an incredibly friendly Greek man with a thick accent.  In a different era, he'd be sitting behind the counter, chain smoking cigarettes and watching the waitresses as they shuttle back and forth with plates; now, though, he can't smoke inside and he treats the staff as if they were his family (which, of course, they might be).  We asked him where a local bar was at which we could get a drink, and he had no idea; it was endearing, as when I looked at my phone, there were clearly five bars in close proximity to his restaurant.

That sort of clean living is respectable.

Red Chimney is cheap - I think my patty melt with fries was about six dollars.  The patties were clearly hand-formed - irregular edges and shapes were the clear giveaway - and the bread was fried in butter.  The fries were crisp, and the waitress quickly accommodated my request for mayo, indicating that she was cosmopolitan.  They thanked us profusely while we were paying; it was nice to be in a place where they seem to appreciate your custom.  Then we left.

Tremont Tap House

2572 Scranton Rd
Cleveland, OH 44113
(216) 298-4451
http://www.tremonttaphouse.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

I do not take this lightly, or mean to sound as if I do.  We must do whatever we can to avoid casualties to our soldiers and innocent civilians in Asia.

However, I can't help but think that if Kim Jong Un actually decides to strike, it would give us an excellent reason to destroy another despotic regime and liberate the people of North Korea from their benighted state.  China wouldn't be able to tell us not to defend ourselves; they might ask for limits on our advance, like they did sixty years ago, but they would not be able to go in front of the world and argue that the US, or South Korea, or Japan, should not defend ourselves or themselves.

I'm also proud of the level of Hagel's response - he's clearly saying that we're not going to do whatever it takes to placate the North Koreans, but that if they decide to act, we will react, swiftly and strongly and completely.  Contrast this to pretty much every other president who has bent over, forward or backward, to do whatever it takes to appease these monstrous regimes.  At this point, I think that there are advantages to confrontation that far outweigh the disadvantages - and, if there is to be a confrontation, it is better that it occur before they have nuclear weapons than after;

If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. Since no man of aught he leaves knows, what is ’t to leave betimes? Let be.

Also, the burger at the Tremont Taphouse is one of the best in the city.  As soon as I tipped it up, angling it for the bite, I know that it was actually medium-rare; beef juice, both red and brownish-clear, dribbled out while Frank Schauer gawked, open-mouthed, and said, "Wow.  That...that is actually medium rare."  The lettuce was crisp, the tomato red and juicy, the onions slightly pungent and the bun toasted perfectly.  The happy hour is truly a deal.  No wonder people were standing to wait for a table or a spot at the bar at 7 p.m. on a Tuesday.  Get there early, get a spot and eat.  You will not regret it.

Cowell & Hubbard

1305 Euclid Ave
Cleveland, OH 44115

(216) 479-0555
http://cowellhubbard.com/

by Beau Cadiyo

I was at a grocery store today buying some cream for a quiche and some potato and onion soup I would be making later in the evening.  When I got to the checkout lane, the girl behind the register was cleaning.  "I'll take you," she said, and I put the cream on the belt.

"Would you like to donate to our drive?" she asked as she scanned the carton.

"No, thanks, and I don't need a bag, either," I replied.  I didn't even ask what "drive" she was talking about.  I give elsewhere, and I didn't care to donate to a charity I knew nothing about.

"OK, but would you like to donate?" she asked.

"No, thanks," I said.

"Your total is $2.99," she said.  I handed her a five dollar bill.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to donate?" she said.

"No, thanks," I said again, getting mildly annoyed.  I get to decide if I'm going to donate or not, and her persistence wasn't winning her any points.

"Even a penny?"

"No, thanks."

She handed me my receipt and put the penny on top.  "I mean, I don't know what you would do with a penny," she said.

I looked at her.  She was maybe 14, 15, tall, thin, with a ballet-dancer's build and rouge on her cheeks, her hair in a high ponytail, pretty but young.  She would have been born in 1998, maybe 1999, and I just smiled and walked out.  I had a grand vision of returning with that penny, slightly soiled, and standing in her line, and then saying, "You know what?  I had a change of heart.  Here, HERE is your penny," dropping it in her hand and walking out while her face went from mild amusement to confusion to shock and disgust.  All of the possible asshole-ish responses I could think of went through my head, but really, all I wanted to do was to walk closer to her, deliberately, and, when I was close to her I would ask lecherously, "Have you ever heard of ass pennies?



The only thing I could think of when I was driving home was my own expanding bitterness.  First off, a penny is a penny; I will still bend over and pick them up because the jar of pennies on my desk is now probably worth fifty dollars, and that was built penny by penny, and dammit but that sort of understanding is missing in kids these days.  Second, though, she may not have even been born when Ass Pennies first aired on Comedy Central.  I remember sitting in my parents' living room and laughing harder and longer than I'd ever laughed before, shocked at the genius and audacity of that confident golfer, shocked at how far comedy had come since the days of Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor, shocked by what people could get away with on cable, shocked by the idea - and shocked by the fact that the checkout girl wasn't even conscious at that point.  I can all but guarantee that she hasn't seen it, which makes me sad; she also probably never will, and will never know about Rage Against The Machine, or 2Pac, or Kids In The Hall, or Wayne's World, or any of the other touchstones of real, true culture.  Her Simpsons are not The Simpsons; her South Park is not South Park.  NKOTB?  She has...whoever they have nowadays.  I don't know, I'm not a parent and I don't have to listen to that goddamn drivel, that noise, that crap made just to sell stuff to kids who don't know any better.  When she was young, my mother would play music on her record player and if it wasn't Frank Sinatra, if it Bing Crosby, if it was Louis Armstrong or Miles Davis, my grandmother would yell at her to "Turn that n----- music off."  My mother was at least completely encouraging of my choice in music.  My friend Frank's mom, though - why, he was playing Killing in the Name Of during breakfast once, and when Zack started screaming, "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me," she took the CD out of the player and smashed it on the kitchen counter.  He told us this in church, and we all were shocked at how ignorant and oppressive she was.  I mean, that was a key point in musical history and she was part of the evil empire trying to shut it down!  And it was built on a glorious backing that was only getting better!  How can kids today even think of choosing Justin Bieber when the Dead Kennedys is available on iTunes?  How can they listen to Kanye West or L'il Wayne when Big L and Doctor Octagon is just as accessible?  Why do they think they can watch the latest Alice in Wonderland and think it is anything close to the Alice in Wonderland that WE know?  We came from the halcyon years of music and culture, man, and kids today, without any sort of cultural foundation -

The burger at Cowell and Hubbard was ok.  I wish I could say more; medium-rare was cooked all the way through, the meat was bland, the bun tasted freshly thawed, the tomato was like cardboard (but what can you expect in winter?).  The fries were good, and the fancy metal ketchup tin made Warren Buffett's new acquisition taste...well, the same.  The restaurant was packed, though, but nobody was smiling - it was as if people went there to be seen at Cowell & Hubbard, not to dine.  Which, in my opinion, is awesome - the fact that we'd have that sort of place is an indication that our dining scene is arriving.

Tesco, Theydon Bois

Coppice Row, Theydon Bois, Epping

+44 845 026 9180

By Beau Cadiyo

I was driving to my private competitive ballroom dancing lesson the other day when Morissey came on the radio. My brain, which works quickly, rapidly delivered these thoughts: 

1. Someone waited for this album to come out, bought it, then listened to it straight through, as if that was the most important thing in the world. 
2. I used to do that when I was younger. I would buy an album when it came out, then sit in my room and listen to it, loud, to hear every note as quickly as possible. 
3. I don't do that anymore. 
4. Does anyone do that? I read a few years ago that the music industry is suffering because people are buying single songs on iTunes and then just listening to those rather than buying whole albums. 
5. I got in an intense argument with Des Ayuno about that. I said that her bands should just release singles, but she said they had to release albums. I said that was stupid. I think she took it personally. 
6. But anyway, do people wait with baited breath for albums from their favorite artists to come out anymore? If so, that is a romantic notion. 
7. I miss having that love and passion for artists and music. I miss the days when I loved it that much. 
8. Things are different now. They really are. 
9. Seasons change. Mad things rearrange, but they all stay the same like the love Doctor Strange. 
10. The Fugees. What was that, 1995? That was worth getting the whole album. 
11. There are kids today who don't know who the Fugees are. They also don't know Rage Against The Machine. 
12. That makes me sad. 
13. Sebastian had the idea of making a sign, during the sweat shop protests of the late 1990s, that said "Rage Against The Sewing Machine."
14. I remember rewinding tapes in my car, then playing them in order to make a song repeat. I used to get so excited when I stopped the song and it was right at the beginning, where I wanted it, during the dead space between songs. 
15. There are kids today who don't know what tapes are. 
16. I don't like the thought of being one of those people who think that they had the best childhood, and kids today should hold dear what we hold dear because things were better when I was growing up
17. But I am. 

This BLT was surprisingly good for being shrink wrapped from a grocery store, but perhaps that was because I was hung over and extremely hungry. The surprising thing was that it had American-style bacon in it. 

Mahall's 20 Lanes

13200 Madison Ave
Lakewood, OH 44107

(216) 521-3280
www.mahalls20lanes.com

by Beau Cadiyo

Running in the rain
A leaf fell, softly,
softly then it touched my eye.

I recommend the Deluxe Burger, although the mushroom is good - far better than Symon's attempt.  If you get the Deluxe, eat it quickly, as it will be succulent and delicious and the pickles will be cool against the heat of the double-stack of beef.  Also, match it with the Green Flash IPA, which is incredible.

Potbelly Sandwich Shop

515 Euclid Avenue
Cleveland, OH 44114

(216) 325-0161
www.potbelly.com



by Beau Cadiyo

We have a very limited period of time on earth.  Death awaits us all.

Each of us has the choice to make whether to care about what we do while we are here.

Sometimes things, in retrospect, might seem like a waste of time. They might be.  Nobody's life is perfect.

None of us can do everything.

All of us can, though.

We each have a role to play.  It's like a symphony.  Sometimes - most of the time - we are in the background.  At the same time, each of us are constantly playing solos.  There is no shame in being a fourth-chair violinist - they are critical, and they are still on stage.  They can also screw everything up, which is power in and of itself.

You must, must, must care about your environment.  It molds you as much as you mold it.

Most people settle.  There comes a point, though, where you can decide whether you want to settle or strive.

There is no downside to striving.

Again, we will all die.

Most people take what the world gives them; they bargain with life for a penny.  They don't demand more from the world or, more importantly, from themselves.  Everyone must decide for themselves if that is what they want for their lives and legacy.  There is no shame in choosing to accept what is given to you.  There is also no downside to striving.

The big tuna melt on multigrain bread with everything, extra hot peppers, is my favorite.

The Jolly Scholar

Thwing Center
11111 Euclid Ave
Cleveland, OH 44106
(216) 368-0090
http://www.thejollyscholar.com

by Beau Cadiyo


I prided myself, for a long time, on the fact that nobody I knew ever died.  It was true - I knew OF people who had died, like Abraham Lincoln and Jesus and Gandhi, but I didn't actually know anyone who had then died after I had met them.  Then, in college, another RA named Frank passed away after a long battle with eating disorders.  I got the news when we returned from summer break.  I wasn't close enough to her to be notified by the family or her friends or anything, but I remember thinking that her curly hair and blue eyes were gone, and her knee-high socks, and whatever spark there was in her body had died.  And life went on.

Google Voice transcribed the message this morning from Edward thus: "Hey, it's Drew.  Mr. So sad.  Smith College.  It, Hi it's me.  I was gimme a call, alright.  Yeah.  Bye bye."  The message itself was so garbled that I couldn't understand him either; what he was calling to tell me was that Frank Malde had hung himself this last weekend.

My favorite story about Frank Malde came after we got back to school after a long weekend - maybe fall break, maybe Thanksgiving.  He'd taken the opportunity to go up to Canada.  Frank was Indian, and had dark skin, and the ability to grow exceptionally long, thick, luxurious beards.  He'd grown his out, and so when he re-entered, he was subject to extra checks at the border because he was brown, had a beard and was traveling alone.  He was carrying his American passport, and when they asked him if he spoke English, he got angry.  He didn't show it, though.  Instead, he smiled a big, absurd, uncomprehending smile, the kind that lit up his face, and nodded his head, slowly, then vigorously.  They called over extra agents and asked again if he spoke English, and the new agents got the same response.  They pulled him out of the car and searched it while he was taken to a containment room.  Various translators kept coming in to try to talk to him, but he didn't respond to any of them; they found nothing in the car, and finally, after four, or perhaps seven, or perhaps thirteen hours, two agents were sitting across the table from him, talking frankly about the situation that they were in.  Frank piped up and asked, in perfect New England English, if he could use the bathroom, which made the agents jump up in shock and berate him for wasting their time.  They then got a lesson in institutional racism, and how to ask better questions beyond whether someone could speak English, and to trust the answers they were given, even if it was a nodding of the head.

When I got off the phone with Edward, I googled The Great Gatsby.  I went to the last chapter and scrolled down to Nick's conversation with Meyer Wolfsheim, and read,

“Let us learn to show our friendship for a man when he is alive and not after he is dead,” he suggested. “After that my own rule is to let everything alone.”

I remember laughing when Frank told his story, laughing so hard that tears streamed down my face, and how Frank seemed to see the whole thing as an opportunity to right injustice - he was just a citizen, making his way back into his country, and the problem was the border guards, and the system.  Then I remembered times at parties and school gatherings, where he was there having fun and was smart and only spoke when he had something interesting to say, which meant everything he said was interesting, and how whenever he spoke up in class, it invariably made the teacher either realize something new about the material or brought the discussion to a halt because there was nothing more to say on the matter when Frank was done talking.  I'm sad that I didn't stay in touch with him to let him know that I appreciated his friendship and the fact that I knew him, and I wonder how many people are out there who I similarly don't express enough appreciation for - people I'm close to, people I care about.

The burger at the Jolly Scholar is surprisingly good - we had one with bacon, cheese, and a bourbon barbecue sauce.  The pretzel roll was delicious.  The real winner, though, is the beer - they have exceptionally high-quality brew for student prices.  If you can deal with being around 20-somethings and feeling like you're out of your element, it's an exceptionally good place to go, and they're not nearly as snooty or expensive as Severance Hall.